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I have an important question for Starbucks baristas. When did it become a contest to see who could fill a coffee cup to the absolute

The Grey…is the Color of the Vaginal Pubes of the Woman…Because This is One of Those Grandma Things Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy OF VAGINA

The other day I found out that they remade Red Dawn.  This is true.  This is a real thing that happened.  Never mind the fact

2 Down:  Frequent overstayer of welcomes. 3 Down:  Caterpillar-browed gentleman. 9 Down:  Leaver of yard urine. 12 Down:  “Oh my god, turn off the lights

Because the last Twilight movie is out, I thought maybe I would give a quick recap of the previous films based on my personal knowledge. 

Gourmet Smoked Ham Club A full 1/4 pound of real applewood smoked ham, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, & real mayo Why always with the applewood? 

Can anyone explain to me why lockers have vents on the front?  I don’t understand that at all.  Honestly, I always had this fantasy about

is that when I’m at a Mexican restaurant, eating chips and salsa, when a chip is overflowing and threatening to drip salsa all over me,

  Fast Lane black tea, in addition to being a great way to start the morning, also features box art that commemorates the day that

Hello all.  Thanks for reading this. Or, at least I hope you do. Look, I know there’s a lot of people telling you to vote,

Alright, shitheads, listen up. I bet you’re surprised I said Shitheads, huh?  Well, we’re in a class where we use tools that could take your

.1 Sec Oh, hell.  This guy looks thirsty.  Actually, he looks like an idiot, and idiots are ALWAYS thirsty.  Why is that? .2 Sec Alright. 

“Holy shit, where am I?” “You are in cryo prison.  You’ve been thawed for a parole hearing.” “Oh.  Okay.  Can I have a jacket?” “No. 

Oh, that old thing?  Just an acoustic guitar I picked up somewhere.  You know, Clapton wrote a little song about some kid that fell out

“The Temperature is 58-degrees today.” Oh, um, shit.  Shit?  Well, maybe not shit.  I don’t know.  The sun is the part that does the warming? 

Guys, I know you’re probably tired of hearing it, so I’ll keep it short. Every year I see a huge collection of costumes that sexify

Since the dawn of time we’ve all been dreading the late Sunday afternoon of time. Since the dawn of time I have been alive because

-When making Spaghetti-O’s, set aside 1/3 of the “sauce” to use later as a sauce in a terrible homemade French bread pizza. -If you don’t

So you want to break in your new baseball glove?  Great, no problem.  Follow these dozens of simple steps and pretty soon you’ll have the

Do the coffee shops you all attend have pipe guys?  By which I mean guys who smoke pipes as opposed to guys working on pipes? 

Pen Taped Up With a Plastic Flower and Jammed in a Flower Pot: We’ve all seen this, right?  A nice flower pot filled with stupid-looking

Question: Why is it that we can put stickers on our cars that say “I [heart] Boobies” because they are in support of cancer?  Or

First off, I would like to applaud you all for thinking to wear swimwear while washing a car.  Too often I’ve seen people who claim

This method gucci aviator sunglasses us all. I guess when you use Mad Libs to create your comments, this is about what you can expect.

Initiative:  K9 Unit Testing Period: 90 Days Result:  K9 units  very effective at grabbing arms of criminals and shaking head around.  In written post-arrest surveys,

***“Overall, decent for the money!” Pete seems like a good guy for the most part.  I mean, he’s relatively inexpensive, so don’t expect too much. 

Okay, guys.  We’ve got a serious crime on our hands.  First stop is the office supply store.  I’m going to need some shit. First, red

So there was an issue I had trying to sell a guitar on Craigslist.  And the potential buyer needed to be punished.  Hence, this video,

Monster:  Fuck Oatmeal. Monster:  Not just t-shirts and hats and stickers anymore, before which we weren’t just a drink and then became t-shirts and hats

“Oh snap!  There’s an election this year?  And that guy is one of the guys?  And I should vote for him?  Okay.  Great!  Thank you. 

Has it occurred to anyone else that the device in Hangman, the Hanged Man, is kind of a fucked up idea?  I mean, think about

Alright, Chocolate.  Vanilla.  Two down, no problem. And Pink.  What’s the pink kind in the three-ice-cream thing?  Whatever that is. Also, the three-ice-cream thing.  We’re

New favorite coffee machine. So much to love. First of all, we have our friend Wolfgang.  Look at him. He looks utterly gobsmacked about this

“No, I don’t think that Legos are an appropriate building material for a high school science project.” “You can’t turn in math homework with goddamn

Say “Shit” a bunch of times. Consider calling someone. Reconsider after realizing that there’s no way this conversation doesn’t begin with me explaining, through tears,

Nothing like coming out onto your front steps to find a sopping wet pair of women’s underpants crumpled on the sidewalk.  Nothing like that as

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.  Because that’s when I see your butt. You must be tired.  From

Guy:  Pete, I need you to do me a favor. Pete:  I’d rather not. Guy:  Okay, but I have that spell book you need.  And

Alright, kids.  It looks like I’ve made the kind of mistakes in my life that have resulted in me being your new crossing guard.  These

Sort of a preview of what’s coming on tomorrow’s show, I wanted to talk in more detail about the game that’s sweeping the nation. I

Poor Broke Teachers Still Poor, Upset One Teacher Makes Big Difference in Little Lives, Poses for Photo With Lots of Kids Hugging in Swarm Fashion

Step One: Find the honeycomb. Step Two: Give the honeycomb to the bear guarding the enchanted cave. Step Three: Try to look surprised when villagers

I’ll never forget that night.  It was raining.  Pouring.  I remember that because my wife said she could hear the sawing roar of my snores

It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these. I thought it might be fun to show off some of my newest face-fixing gear.  

How is everyone’s grandma doing?

-If you look closely, it’s actually a bullet.  With butterfly wings.  Which is not my favorite song, or even my favorite Smashing Punkins song.  But

Yesterday I went to get some shit out of my fridge and the shit was frozen. Milk.  It was milk that was frozen, not shit. 

-Does your person have a shitty look? -Does your person have the deadened eyes of someone who has seen too many deaths, edged too close

-Because voting is for suckers who love waiting in confusing lines that snake around crappy card tables and are staffed by children and the elderly

1 Blunt Scissors So they’re not even going to teach you how to use regular scissors?  Well, I don’t think I’ll be wasting moolah on

If You Give a Goose a Six-Pack If You Give a Ferret a Habitat in Your Home for Some Reason If You Give a Cat

A friend once pointed out to me the best part of Willy Wonka.  When Charlie opens the candy bar and there’s no golden ticket inside,

GymmieGym @oldmanballs  3h Another day, another pair of beige shorts, another workout ~ GymmieGym @oldmanballs  2h Found gum under bench in locker room.  Decided to

The Technologically-Challenged: “How come there isn’t an app to do this one very specific task that only I really care about, and really only for

Toby Keith’s Down Home Chicken Finger Unfreezery Toby Keith’s Chicken Finger Emporium. Toby Keith’s Loudest Chicken Finger Outlet of All Time Ever, Amen. Toby Keith’s

Raccoon City As much as I enjoy a nice raccoon here and there, I feel like a city named for them might have a higher

There’s nothing like fresh veggies, locally grown and sold at your local farmer’s market.  You can truly taste the freshness.   But also, burgers are

Hi, I’m Michael Haggar.  But you can call me Mike.  Or just Haggar. A lot of you probably recognize me from a lot of different

Yesterday I was outside.  This is significant not only because I was outside, one of my most hated places, but also because it’s an important

Just like every year, some new words were added to the dictionary.  And just like every year, people make a big old deal about it. 

1.  Someone has developed a shrink ray and decided to first try it out on ice cream sandwiches, then Rick Moranis, then release it to

“Nightswimming” by REM – I’m in good shape, but not made of stone here. “Stay” by Lisa Loeb – Feeling a little nostalgic,  a little

Child: I think it was Miss Peacock, in the  Conservatory, with the candlestick. Mom: Just to clarify.  You’re saying that, in order to win this

-Increased frequency of complaints about how establishments don’t often enough have hat racks for a man’s fedora these days. -Deeper appreciation and understanding of tweed.

Musket Days: Okay, I think I got this.  So you open this thing.  What’s a frizzen? Okay, never mind.  You open this shit and dump

You guys remember this crap? Something about the commercials for this sold me and just about every kid I knew that Kix were awesome.  Kix

I hope your life more wonderful’s a good, You have brought up a very excellent details post. Yes, thank you.  I also hope my life

This is one of the harder things I’ve ever done. For starters, I don’t think his hands are grown enough to hold most of the

With a toothbrush in my mouth and after-sleep nausea in my belly, I stood at the sink and watched as a spider climbed out through

Okay, old men of the world.  I’ve seen a couple odd fashion choices the last few days that need to be addressed.  Not so much

First things first, always remember that you are a pizza man.  You’re not required to do anything you don’t want to do here.  It’s hard

Synchronized Swimming “Do you ever use your synchronizing skills in other areas?  I think you’d be really good at doing the thing where two people

“Do I need more than three clubs?” “If I only need 3 clubs, do I need a whole golf bag or can I just carry