Alright, kids. It looks like I’ve made the kind of mistakes in my life that have resulted in me being your new crossing guard. These are grave, grave errors that I very much regret. So let’s just get through this together.
7:12 AM
Look, you don’t need to be crossing the street at EXACTLY seven. Cut me some slack. Do you see any cool kids crossing the street yet? No. You’re going too early. Don’t doom yourself to dorkdom already, yeah?
7:24 AM
Oh, man. What kind of backpack is that? Spider-Man? Haha, that’s so stupid-looking! We better get you across the street quick so you can get to your schoolyard beating on time. Oh my god. Hilarious.
7:37 AM
Jesus, do you really not know how this works? Push that button, wait for the walk guy. This couldn’t be easier. In fact, I think I only complicate the process.
7:44 AM
Have you never seen a movie? A movie with Matt Damon in it? Because I feel like you see Matt Damon dodging through traffic in New York City. So I think you can manage to cross a 4-laner with a stoplight for fuck’s sake.
7:55 AM
You’re not ever going to be there on time anyway. I’m just saying. I could get up, help you cross, all that. OR you could just admit defeat, that you did it wrong today, and use the day to consider what got you here and what you might do differently next time.