Guys, I know you’re probably tired of hearing it, so I’ll keep it short.
Every year I see a huge collection of costumes that sexify things that are not supposed to get sexy.
DO NOT MISTAKE ME. I am not opposed to sexy costuming. Not in the least. I am unequivocally PRO sexy costume, whether you have any business wearing one or not. If you’re against the sexy costume, then I would encourage you to enjoy any of our other many holidays, such as ALL OF THEM because none of the other ones ever get sexy unless you and I share and affliction and have pretty strong hormonal reactions to a well-appointed plastic Douglas Fir.
What I am against, however, is the unsexy thing turned sexy. Sexy Cop, for example. Give me a break. There’s nothing sexy about that, and frankly it seems a little insane. The one day of the year someone actually WANTS to be a cop.
Sexy maid? Hmm…well, I suppose it’s acceptable, but only because of the wild popularity of the motion picture version of Clue.
This year, however, I’ve seen some very uncool costumes trying to break into the world of sexy. Such as sexy Bert and Ernie. As in the muppets. Muppets are not sexy for the simple reason that they do not possess genitals. Furthermore, why is a sexy woman’s costume being created out of somewhat male, muppet, asexual, platonic buddies?
Or sexy Mario and Luigi costumes. Somewhere along the line, we all discovered it’s super easy to grab a pair of overalls from mom’s closet, the ones she bought during the heyday of Salt N Pepa and realized immediately she couldn’t pull off (my mom has delusions of grandeur once in a while, but she’s overall very well-grounded and kind of figures it all out when she’s looking in the mirror at home). So then we started seeing Marios and Luigis everywhere, and some of them sexy. These are not sexy people. Do I have to explain why bordeline-dwarf, hairy, plumbers who are no doubt covered in human feces, are not super sexy? I guess if you’re into a certain type, then they ARE pretty sexy. But in that case, you’d only be disappointed by the lady costume with bare midriff and short overall shorts with long socks for some reason.
Okay, so we’ve sexified a lot of unsexy things.
Ladies, if you want to put a stop to it, there’s one answer: Sexy Hitler. I don’t mean sexy Nazi, I don’t mean some Rob Zombie bullshit. I’m talking full on Hitler. Plus boobs.
Now, I understand the hesitation. Some people might be upset by that costume. However, I see an awful lot of the dude from Scream, and although he wasn’t killing millions of people, he did kill a large number in a horrific way that was experienced by millions. All I’m saying is that Halloween is the time to face our fears and trot out the true assholes of humanity in a new form.
Not to mention that the horror and shock is kind of the point. If people are shocked about sexy Hitler, maybe we can stem this terrible tide of sex, let it remain on our Tumblrs and…well, I’m comfortable leaving it on out Tumblrs. Maybe the oversexification of unsexy sex shit will finally end.
As my friend Captain Planet would say, The Power (to dress as the world’s most famous mass-murderer) Is Yours!