Because the last Twilight movie is out, I thought maybe I would give a quick recap of the previous films based on my personal knowledge. It is my sincere hope that this will help you enjoy the newest entry into the sexy vampire canon.
Since the dawn of the Underworld movies, man has seen a war raging between vampires and werewolves. But I’m getting ahead of myself. We didn’t have werewolves right away in Twilight. First, it was just vampires.
But not your average vampires, friends. Oh my no. SEXY vampires. This was a very new concept, vampires that were physically attractive and good people deep down. And, AND they hide their vampireness. They don’t just run around stabbing people in the throat and walking in and out the front door like the vampires we’re used to. Nope, this is like a secret society thing.
One of the important differences between vampires and humans is that vampires are attracted to Kristin Stewart. I mean, it makes sense. They’re a different species. As a human, I don’t really know the difference between a hot sexy giraffe and a dumpy giraffe way past her prime who has all but given up. So there’s something about Kristin Stewart that vampires like. It’s called willful suspension of disbelief, people.
Anyway, she gets really into this vampire. Presumably because he’s a hot dude, not because he’s a vampire. Also, he is shiny when he’s in the sun. This is a vampire thing. It turns out that vampires don’t avoid the sun because it explodes them. They avoid the sun because it makes them look that much more fabulous. It’s really great because a problem I’ve always had with vampire stories is that they have one weakness. Finally, a story that’s just about the awesomeness of being super strong and eating blood.
So there’s a problem. Whenever I see a vampire movie, I’m like, Fuck it. Just make all the cool people you like into vampires. They’ll be pissed that you bit their neck, and that’s a level of intimacy that most of my friends aren’t prepared for, but you might as well go for it. Alas, however, in the Twilight universe you can’t do that because when you turn into a vampire, you don’t have a soul anymore. So you have to trade the possibility of an afterlife, something that has yet to be proven in any substantial way, meanwhile vampires go to your high school for no apparent reason, and you have to trade the possibility of an afterlife for the certainty of an everlasting AWESOME life. You can see the conflict here.
Now, the love triangle comes in. And the love triangle is made all the better because the legs are all unholy beasts: vampires, werewolves, Kristin Stewart.
Here’s the situation: these people do something called “imprinting.” That’s where you have a major hard-on for someone that can’t be denied. Unfortunately, the main werewolf imprints on the main vampire’s woman. Some may see this as a very negative message to women because it appears that women are not given a choice in this universe of Twilight. But try and remember that Kristin Stewart is not a human woman.
Turns out, the werewolf didn’t imprint on Stewie. He imprinted on her unborn baby, which was in her tummy. So he just had a major hard-on for a zygote instead of a Stew. Makes perfect sense. That should be a pretty simple conversation once that baby is born.
After that there were some super powerful vampires that were probably sitting around a big, gothic-y looking table. I didn’t actually see that happen, but c’mon, we all know it happened.
Also, I bet there’s a hilarious part where someone shows that vampires don’t sleep in coffins, but rather in beds. Ikea beds, even.
That’s most of it. Oh, and don’t forget that we’re making cinematic history here between the hot vampires, the vampires fighting werewolves, and Abraham Lincoln killing some of the vampires. Was that the same thing? Eh, fuck it.