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Wow, what a nice bathroom, huh? Haven’t you always wanted to sit face-to-face with someone while they were shitting? To see every contortion and strain

Yeah, those are what you think they are. That’s a whole collection of wooden tokens from the orthodontist. Baby. It takes a man of a

Cord management, AKA a hole. What an amazing feature. Absolutely incredible. Let me just ask, in what other cases does a hole constitute management? A

Mmmmm….. Nothing like food spattered all over the inside of a Tupperware perfectly clouded by the ravages of dishwashers and time. What an appetizing treat

Quickly, while we’re looking at this, can someone explain to me why it would be necessary to print Not For Resale on this sticker? Who

Ah, THERE’S the unintended catalyst for the uncontrollable crying jag that I’ve been waiting for.

Forever?  I didn’t even race for the better part of a day. Supposedly you can start this book twice.  At the beginning you choose to

Okay, I figured I had a decent chance on this one. Unlike seeking the yeti or getting along with martians, running track is something I’ve

Balls! Balls, balls, balls! This being my third adventure of choosing, I decided to take a different tack. I thought, “Well, trying to figure out

Another failure. Damnation. This one was actually quite the spectacular failure, and the way you know that you’ve failed at a Choose Your Own Adventure

Damn it! I thought I might try my way through some of these books to see if I’ve gotten any smarter since childhood. I was

Dearest Worshippers, Well, it’s clear now that I won’t be names pope.  Ain’t that a bitch? Haha, but seriously, all in all, I think we

Click the Text, Live the ADVENTURE! HelpfulsnowmanTheGame

Hey guys, this Looney Tunes stuff is going great, huh? Now the studio is telling us that we have free reign.  Do whatever we want. 

We, the COG (Coalition of Ordered Ground-level apartments) will not rest until this ant menace is destroyed. We will fight them on the surface, and

“After about two days I was clawing at the walls.  Get me outta here, you know?   I just wanted to be outside or doing work

9 AM: “Hey, welcome back!  How was your vacation?” Oh man, it was awesome!  The flight was a little bumpy, but the captain got on

The world of board games was set alight by the announcement that Monopoly would be replacing a piece.  Not since checkers introduced the innovation of

Unbeknownst to him, Pete sired a son several years ago.  He thought he beknownst that this was impossible without engaging in sexy sex with a

I’m real bad at this fucking game.  But I showed some skeletons WHAT!  

Unbeknownst to him, Pete sired a son several years ago.  He thought he beknownst that this was impossible without engaging in sexy sex with a

Unbeknownst to him, Pete sired a son several years ago.  He thought he beknownst that this was impossible without engaging in sexy sex with a

1. Ask him if his hair is actually getting thicker, and ask what the opposite of receding is because that’s what his hair is doing.

It was the hottest summer anyone could remember, even Old Gretchen who lived down near the lake, and she was maybe about as old as

Gravy Doritos Tater Tots Stuffed with Lil’ Smokies Chicken Soup with Cheeto Crumbles Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bathed in the Juice That Collects at the Top

Welcome to Valentine’s Day. I thought that for Valentine’s Day I would do something special and discuss what I find to be a common fight/complaint

Thanks, thanks for coming out everybody.  Let’s get another quick round of applause for Bruce Springsteen’s song that I didn’t license in any way because

It is created with paints as opposed to in a filthy mirror using a mobile phone camera. The undergarments do not have words printed on

-We will all sort of get over Eric Clapton, and though this will not be announced the feeling will be in the air and palpable.

I’ll be checking analytics to see who amongst you visited based on that title.  Expect a letter.

Can we stop saying that attractive young women have a Girl Next Door quality?  Can we stop that?  I recognize that surely someone lived next

Did any of you actually have swear jars?   Or is this just a thing that happens in movies and TV, like time portals and the

Alright, we’re ready to ship.  Now, let me ask you guys, how many of these things should we sell in one package?  We’re obviously not

Thanks for using Microsoft Office.  We say that even though we know that most people using this stuff have no real choice because either a

Reason 1:  The other night I decided to eat an apple to really get my life back on track.  It’s a bad sign when you

Yesterday you were lucky enough to hear my thoughts on the condoms available in the Trojan Pleasure Pack. As sometimes happens, I was a bit

Option 1:  Twisted Pleasure Really?  As option ONE?  I don’t think I’m ready to just dive into twisting just yet. What the hell is that,

I just submitted a new blog to the Great Tumblr Book Contest.  You can ask me for advice.  Here are the posts I submitted.  SO

This is perhaps the best thing I’ve seen: a list of the reasons David Banner turned into the Hulk in the classic television series. Some

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I hate Pinterest. Is it unfair? Am I being unfair? Maybe. But here’s what I’ve come up with.

00:01 “That little guitar riff…what is that?  That sounds so familiar.” 00:08:  “Oh wow.  Ohhhh wow.  Do not touch anything unless it’s something that makes

My regular keyboard was replaced with a wireless keyboard that operates on AAA batteries. I mean, this seems like an improvement of sorts on the

I hate this shit. That little space, that tiny gap is what turns a marker into a stick.  A stick that, instead of marker lines,

Cheese:  The secret to great nachos is shredding the cheese because it heats more evenly and melts better.  The secret to shredding cheese is that

Okay, so that’s going to be a ten minute wait.  Here’s a crazy pager that looks like an air hockey puck from Tron.  Take that

Just wanted to say thanks.  Without them this wouldn’t have been possible.  Well…actually, those assholes mostly ate time.  The zoo?  Are you fucking kidding me? 

-Gun shopping is halted for one day. -Mistress amnesty events across the country allow adulterers to wipe the slate clean. -This one day a year

-Electric chair executions will now be performed in threes, the chair-sitter holding hands with two other inmates. -From now on I will be DRIVING home

Top 10 Stomach Aches Solved by a Simple Diarrhea. Top 10 Television Shows from the Mid-90’s I Just Saw Top 10 Ikea Lamps Purchased with

Every year I participate in a little event called Beardwatch.  Like most of my big social events, I’m the only participant.  Also like most of

A) “Oh dear.  Someone is having their vehicle stolen.  Or WOULD BE if it weren’t for that car alarm.  Whew!” B) “Ah!  A car alarm. 

~ Get Fit in 2013 Pro:  huge internet bandwidth savings as instead of streaming pornography I could simply lift up my shirt, look at my

Just the other day I was talking about some Batmen I had as a kid that were total shit. Mostly because I wanted a goddamn

No, I don’t have any plans yet. Yes, there is an internal struggle at work here where I don’t really feel like doing anything, but

Got this awesome FanART from friend of the show Matt. The crushing veil of depression is briefly lifted.

Can anyone explain to me why, in an 80’s movie, people thought a girl was awesome at sex if she could tie a cherry stem

  “Wow.  Ruh-roh, huh guys? “Okay.  Gut instinct, they’re real fucked.  Real, real fucked.  I just want to put my opinions out on the table. 

Thanks for updating to the newest version of iTunes completely against your will and only because it was required in order to continue having any

A: Low Dry Button I honestly have no idea what this does or why a person would use it.  I mean, yeah, I get it,

[knocking] “Anne, you home?  Hello?” “Oh, hey Pete.  I’m just downstairs.  Come on in.” “Hey, great.  Listen I brought over those jars of…what the fuck

Hello, If you’re reading this, it’s because you’ve come to realize that the world is a little unsafe and dangerous.  Maybe it’s because you had

The Portly Marcia The Regina, Who Was More Than Mildly Unpleasant in Restaurants The Great Jasmine, Who Really Knew How Fucking Great She Was and