A: Low Dry Button
I honestly have no idea what this does or why a person would use it. I mean, yeah, I get it, the tag on things say to tumble dry on low. I have news for you: EVERY article of clothing will say that if you give it a chance. I’m not really sure how tumbling is a preferred method of drying, but if you have the kind of time that allows you to dry things by basically shaking them, you are squandering the precious gift of life.
B: Medium Dry Button
I guess this is half way between Low (see above) and High (see Actual Working Button).
C: High Dry Button
This is the only button I’ve ever depressed or seen depressed on the machine. I mean, it only makes sense. I guess maybe the High button is neglected by the kind of people who read 75 MPH as a speed MAXIMUM instead of a general zone around which we debate how much speeding will be tolerated.
D: Lint Trap
This is the place where all the castoff shit from my neighbors’ clothing is stored. I assume that the lint is of great value as throwing it out seems to be out of the question.
E: Weird Crinkly Tube
I guess this makes the hot air go outside? Why does every dryer have this shitty-looking tube? Or sometimes, if you’re in a real ritzy joint, it’ll be the chrome-y version that looks metallic and awesome the same way that foil looks metallic and awesome.
F: Underneath the Dryer
Drop a quarter under here only if you feel very confident in your abilities to lie on the floor, stick your hand into a dark space, and immediately feel the difference between a live insect and an insect corpse.
G: Quarter Slot
This is where all my money goes, between the actual cost of the laundry and the pending lawsuit between myself and a certain car wash that feels like you can chase a guy away with an ice scraper if he changes $20 into quarters after rolling up on a bicycle.
H: Top of Dryer
You may also recognize this as the Passive-Aggressive Landing Pad for the Laundry of My Neighbors That Has Been in the Dryer for Goddamn Ever