Unbeknownst to him, Pete sired a son several years ago. He thought he beknownst that this was impossible without engaging in sexy sex with a lady, but he beknownst nothing. After a multi-city tour informing high school students about the dangers of not having sex being about the same as having sex, he came back home to raise his son, Dum-Dum, and has started a Daddy Blog about his experiences.
Today I decided enough is enough. I’m homeschooling this little idiot.
The problem is that he’s not learning enough at school. Or at least nothing helpful. I tell the kid to stop crying, he says he can’t. So what is he learning there all goddamn day?
Plus, this is a judgment free zone. Bullying is a big problem in schools and I was getting bullied a lot because I sent DumDum to school in the same holey sweats every day and Child Protective Services was bullying me into buying him more than one set of used sweats. I said that we’re not rich like you and can’t all afford to buy Kmart’s newest line every time they come out with one, but my cries fell on deaf ears and my punches fell on deaf face.
So fuck it, we decided to homeschool.
Day One was a snow day. It didn’t snow that much. Plus we didn’t actually have to go anywhere. But I always figured that companies should just declare the snowiest day of the year a snow day.
I did discover the downside of homeschooling already, though. We have to share my stockpile of fishsticks. Also, DumDum says the word Fishsticks like “fishdicks” and I really don’t like that.
Day Two we got down to business. I wore a coat and tie and sat on the kitchen table whenever I was making a point. I asked DumDum what he wanted to learn about. He shrugged his shoulders and then said Science.
I breathed a sigh of relief until I started in and then he told me that science was the one with animals and chemicals and stuff. I asked if he was sure because I thought science was the one where you had to climb a rope. He said that was gym. I said Class Dismissed.
Day Three was rocky. I was cocky after my success from day two and my science lecture. So I made the rookie mistake of sitting on the toilet and reading webcomics on my iPhone for the duration of the entire day.
By then it was the weekend, which has been extended to 5 days. I know what you’re thinking, three days plus five days is eight days. Well, idiot, we don’t have to conform to your schedule. We take five days off, whatever those days might be. DumDum came up with that plan while I was on the toilet for the entire day previous, and he ran it past me when I came in to teach on Thursday. I reached into my desk and pulled out a bottle of champagne, shook it and soaked that bold, beautiful idiot down to the bone.
And you know what? No need to change out of his one outfit just because it was a little champagne-y. Homeschool wins again.