Option 1:  Twisted Pleasure

Really?  As option ONE?  I don’t think I’m ready to just dive into twisting just yet.

What the hell is that, anyway?  I’ve never heard of a twisting motion applied to the penis being a big source of pleasure.  I mean, stroking?  Petting?  Yanking like the plunger on a pinball machine?  Perhaps.  But twisting?  Is this meant as a punishment condom of some sorts.  Where maybe a couple is fighting, but withholding sex is a punishment for the lady too, so instead she says, “Put on one of those twisted condoms.  We’re going to have sex, but by god you are going to hate it”?

Option 2:  Her Pleasure

I like this option.  Makes it feel like maybe chivalry isn’t dead.  I’m going to make sure and contain my seed, but while I’m at it I’m going to see if I can’t send a little pleasure your way.  Because you’re worth it.  Baby.

This is a condom that says, Hey ladies, I’m here for you too.

I’m not really sure what makes this condom a Her Pleasure thing.  What about it is so great for ladies?  It can’t be a truck stop thing, weird bumps and studs, right?

My guess?  The pleasure comes from knowing just what a swell sweetheart of a fella you’ve got on your hands here.

Option 3: Intense Ribbed

How do ladies feel about the ribs?  Because those are on the outside.  There are a lot of things I don’t know, but one thing I DO know is that condoms have a very distinct inside and outside orientation.  It’s not just a thing where you decide on the fly.  That decision has been made for you at the factory, and if you put one on inside-out you’re going to know pretty quickly.

How come no ribs on the inside?  What the hell?

You know what’s really weird about these options?  They all kind of simulate unnatural stuff.  Most penises don’t have ribbing on them.  Again, don’t know much, but I’ve seen enough penises to know that if yours is ribbed you should stop reading this and go to the hospital immediately.  No, scratch that.  Take a picture, send it to me, THEN go to the hospital.

Option 4: Fire & Ice

This is the most baffling, to me.

I don’t speak from experience because, as you know, I’m unmarried and therefore not engaging in intercourse, but I asked a friend who used these and I’m going to relate his feelings.  And to protect his identity, I’m going to use the personal pronouns “me” and “I” and generally tell the story like it was mine.  But again, to reiterate, unmarried, no banging, jesus christ, eternal love, amen.

So here’s the problem with fire as it pertains to putting it on your penis skin:  It’s fire, and it’s on your penis skin.  This is not a good thing, even if it’s followed by ice.  I wouldn’t let someone light my arm on fire if they promised to dip it in icewater right away either.

Also, though, it’s less of the warm sensation that comes from sitting near a fireplace and more the chemical burn of opening an old flashlight while naked and having dry flakes of battery acid fall all over your penis and testicles.

That’s also a thing that happened to a guy who was not me, by the way.

And what about ice?  Ice?  Really?  Ice is like the boner’s worst natural enemy.  The wild boner’s only predators are old age, nervousness, hard liquor, and ice.

I really feel like they decided to include some novelties in there that nobody wants.  This has to be the pink part of the Neapolitan.