Thanks for updating to the newest version of iTunes completely against your will and only because it was required in order to continue having any sort of functionality. We’re happy to bring you such fine service that’s as convenient as clicking a button. ONCE YOU HAVE UPDATED, I mean. The updating thing takes about one hundred million times as much work because we are punishing you. But once you finish doing that (every 8 days) it’s cake.
Please read the following user agreement. If you don’t agree, you are free to not push the Agree button, although this is a crucial piece of software and we pretty much have you by the balls at this point.
Have you ever thought about that? Isn’t it fucked up that if you bought, say, some music from me, you would have the option to keep those songs on a non-functional piece of software, OR you could update that software, and then the music, which you already purchased under completely different terms, is now subject to a brand new set of terms? Haha, you are so fucked.
But don’t worry. You don’t really have to push Agree. I mean, sure, this is the media managment software being used by about half the world. So you won’t have access to about half of what you would like to access. But hey, keep that freedom flag flying, brother!
By now you’ve probably noticed how long this thing is. That’s all part of the plan, see. Once it gets long enough, we can assume you aren’t reading it and basically tell the truth, the parts that would really bother you.
Really, these updates only do two things:
1. Force you to agree to a legal agreement that you don’t understand, can’t comprehend, wouldn’t read to save the life of a busload of your mom, and just plain have no business looking at. I mean, seriously. Do you have ANY idea what any of this means? Heretofore? And thusly? Reversetirestylly?
2. Updates are also designed to mess with the way your machine operates. Seriously. I know this sounds like some grassy knoll shit, but iTunes has been exactly the fucking same since ten years ago. Same file types, same organization schemes, even the same color palette. The only difference is we managed to slow it down with graphics and add things like Genius. Do you even have any idea what Genius is? We don’t, other than you sometimes hit it on accident and yell Aw Fuck while your computer struggles to catch up with whatever it is you’ve just done. For all we know, every time someone hits Genius a signal is sent to a South American prison and a political prisoner is executed. I mean, it’s unlikely, but it’s AS likely as Genius actually being a thing.
Let’s get down to business.
By pushing I Agree, you are saying that you read this document in its entirety. Even though we could EASILY put some sort of a thirty-minute timer on this so that we knew you’d at least had it open the amount of time it might potentially take a genius (type of person, not Genius, or gEnius or whatever the hell it is) to read it, we’ll just go ahead and let you scroll to the bottom and push it immediately.
I mean, it’s weird that we put that in there, isn’t it? Because you CLEARLY haven’t read even a portion of it. I’m no lawyer, or even someone who could buy a crappy suit and some glasses and play on on bad TV, but I do have to say that the contract is breached by everyone, imeddiately.
Anyway, by pushing I Agree you also agree to be only mildly irritated by our proprietary chargers for our devices.
By pushing I Agree you also promise to not take the anger out on us when you are terribly embarrassed by the album cover scroll that plays on your iPod for no discernable reason, and that the seeming randomness of it all always results in a girl you’re trying to impress seeing how many different albums by Katrina and the Waves you’ve downloaded.
By pushing I Agree you are saying that you will stop questioning why anyone would ever hire a DJ for anything in a world where you can hook up a loaded playlist and push play. You will also stop wondering how aware of this DJ’s are and if they’re clueless or just scheming assholes.
By pushing I Agree you will also be getting a free copy of some other piece of shit software you have no use for. Perhaps a weird bar that goes across your internet browser windows. Perhaps a file association that you have no interest in. Whatever it is, count on the fact that you will not ever, EVER be pleasantly surprised by a piece of software that has piggybacked on another piece of software. It’s always shitty, like that guy who shows up at your barbecue by attaching himself to a friend, and by the end of the night the friend who harbored this parasite disavows all knowledge and never claims the man who is now leaned into the hot tub and vomiting.
By pushing I Agree you avow that you’ve prepared yourself to say, 100 times or so, “Where the fuck is…” and pray that none of the few features you actually use have been wiped away.
Below we’ve copied and pasted every agreement from every television, web site, power tool, radio call-in contest, and most of the Bible. So you’re agreeing to all that too. Just figured it would save us some time.
If you’ve gotten this far, we commend you on your efforts and warn that it gets pretty boring until the boat with all the animals gets up to cruising speed.
Thanks for updating! See you in 144 hours!