Can we stop saying that attractive young women have a Girl Next Door quality? Can we stop that? I recognize that surely someone lived next door to these people. I suppose that someone in the 90’s lived next door to Shannon Doherty. But that someone was not a horny Pete.
I feel I’m not making my point. Would it help if I went through the females who have occupied the dwellings adjacent to my own? The “girls next door” if you will?
-Barb
Barb is and was ageless, and I mean that in the worst possible way. As opposed to always looking like she was young, Barb smoke and drank herself into old age prematurely, but then sort of held in place. So I guess you could say she aged well, but only if you weren’t aware that she’d aged herself prematurely. The best thing about Barb was that she once left a message on our answering machine where she was clearly drunk and then audibly tripped over an ottoman. If that’s what people mean by Girl Next Door, that you’re attracted by a mixture of holding back laughter and serious concern for her overall health to the point you almost start googling the cost of dialysis, then I suppose she had it “goin’ on”
-Bernie
Bernie was very old. So old that she called people Dearheart, a term I’d never heard before or since. She moved from the apartment next door straight into a retirement home. I never got a good look at her caboose, but I suspect that even a caboose that produced epic wonderment would still not really make an old lady, on the balance, a babe that warranted weird madcap sexual assault type acts such as putting a ladder up to a window.
-JanAn old school teacher who, the last time I saw her, was demented and seemed to think that I was my brother and my mom’s only son. I guess you score some movie points there. She didn’t even know I existed, as they say. Also, she had a brain problem, which I didn’t know was so alluring until I saw A Walk to Remember, an alleged romance that really just fuels adolescent boy fantasies about the one loophole that could potentially allow for dad-sanctioned underage banging. It’s really a nice thing because you hope that the most attractive people you know will have brain tumors so you can marry them for about 17 hours and have that great sex that really only happens when you’re trapped in a cave-in or someone is about to be die of terrible, tragic cancer.
Okay? Satisfied?