I just submitted a new blog to the Great Tumblr Book Contest. You can ask me for advice. Here are the posts I submitted. SO FAR…
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Dear PE,
I have a problem. My cat violently shakes while sleeping, but when I wake her up she’s back to normal. I thought she was having seizures, but she has no other symptoms. What do you think is wrong with my kitty?
-Anonymous
Fabulous question.
First off, I wanted to congratulate you. I think a lot of people just get a cat and then don’t do the real work of cat ownership, such as cleaning after it regularly and WATCHING IT SLEEP.
If I used the word “cute” to describe things other than godawful clothes/haircuts, I would probably say that watching a cat sleep can be cute, but one should really limit the amount of time spent on activities that could be described as “cute”. Cute does not build bridges or cash paychecks.
To address this problem, I would suggest buying a cage, dome, or some kind of cloth that the cat can sleep under. Or possibly buying an old car to park on the street so that the cat can have a home of its very own.
And how, you might be asking, will you fill all the free time you’ve got now that you aren’t watching naps in progress? I WOULD suggest going out, but someone like you would just make regular people miserable. So instead, I’m going to suggest buying a second cat and seeing if they can either learn to drive their CarHouse while working as a team, or if they can stand on each others’ shoulders in order to fill out a small trench coat.
Hope That Helps!
Best,
Pete
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Dear P.E.,
I need your opinion on something.
What do you think of this insult?
I would rather drink bleach than have you back in my life.
-Anonymous
Great question. I love a good diss.
Do people diss anymore? Slam? Emotionally kabong?
Now, you should probably know that the environment isn’t so hot for bullying right now. So you need to be careful and make sure that if you diss someone, you make it worth your while.
You’ve come to the right place.
I like what you’ve got brewing here, but it’s missing the key ingredient. If this was an omelet, it’d be missing the bacon. If it was a BLT, it would be missing the bacon. If it was a chocolate chip cookie and we were at my house, it would be missing the bacon.
The “bacon” of a good diss is making it personal In fact, if a diss is less clever but highly personal, it’ll sting.
I myself wasted a lot of time and burned a lot of valuable man hours using “momma so fat” jokes on this guy in school when it turned out that his mom was BLIND! I was so busy making fun of her weight that I failed to spend the time learning how to play 3 Blind Mice on the recorder and then telling him that the song’s name was 1 Blind Mom.
So make it personal. Some suggestions, based on what you’ve got brewing so far:
-I’d rather drink the bleach you use on your mustache hair than have you back in my life.
-I’d rather drink bleach than have you back in my life, even though you REALLY could use that bleach for your teeth.
-You are wholesale unattractive and so repulsive that I bathed in bleach after seeing you, at great personal health cost to myself, just to begin feeling clean again.
Hope this helps!
Best,
Pete