Forever? I didn’t even race for the better part of a day.
Supposedly you can start this book twice. At the beginning you choose to do either the speed race or off-road portion of this rally. I chose the off-road, because, what the hell, we traveled all the way to Africa. I could have raced on a track at home, and at least there I could meet some drunken rednecks.
I made it to the first checkpoint where another racer guy said that if I didn’t accept a bribe and let him win, he would break my legs. I didn’t take the bribe because I AM A MAN. But I DID tattle to the race authorities because I am only so much of a man.
The authorities decided, in their extremely finite wisdom, that me being associated at all with the criminal was a violation and I was out of the race.
These motherfuckers, they decide to let this animal into the race, let me talk to him, and then tell me that he’s a criminal and being involved with him is a crime. I mean, these guys learned law from all my grade school teachers, I guess. If someone is even standing around a couple kids fighting over a Nerf Turbo Football, he must also be a criminal. A bastard criminal.
I mean, give me a goddamn break.
I’m starting to wonder if I would be better off in these books flipping a coin because I have absolutely no insight into how a person wins these things.
I didn’t go back to the other race because I figured:
A) I was probably disqualified from the whole thing
B) They didn’t advise me to go back to a certain page
C) I don’t want to race for the amusement of these stupid assholes anyway
And really, this might be the worst volume of all. Because even if I had won the off-road race, I would have still had to go back to the road race and still possibly lose THAT one. It’s the first one I’ve gone through that gives you the opportunity to screw up twice. I can’t decide if it would have been worse to win once, taste victory just on the tip of my tongue, sweeter than the red part of an Astro Pop only to have my hopes dashed, or if it was worse as it really went down, the whole thing being like the vile yellow portion of the Astro Pop that was the punishment for any child daring to buy candy in the 90’s. What the hell flavor was that? Resin?
Damn these books.