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-Whew!- That was something, huh?  Eight seconds of passion plus about two minutes where nobody watching would be able to tell if anything was still

For those of you who follow my career closely (exactly no one) you already know that I have somewhat of an interest in the topic 

After spending several years with these close, close friends, it was time to let them go.  Pass them on. I pulled them down from the

Some intrepid soul decided to write the date on this urinal pad. Is that what these things are called?  Urinal pads?  Urinal…nets? For those who

See that guy?  Every time he’s bluffing, he puts his hand on his penis and strokes it to completion in his pants. Him over there? 

-At one point the protagonist defecates for what seems like 40 minutes of screen time, after which he tells everyone about it and describes in

-The 1980’s Boston Celtics. -Various techniques for winning racquetball (should be noted that there is NO racquetball at this particular gym). -How raking with a

Wearing Number 1: Post-wedding.  Like they were intended. Wearing Number 2: Accidentally packed in during honeymoon.  Couple gets a nice laugh out of it. Wearing

So I spent a bit of time walking around Target.  AND I saw SOME SHIT! Am I the only one who sees this weird brick

How should we package our gum? How about two pieces in a tiny box that ABSOLUTELY CANNOT be reclosed? How about, like, 5 saran wrapped

Sir, do you have a minute to help save a child’s life? Hmm.  Yeah.  But I’m going to have to pass anyway.  Tell Jamal I’m

We all know how I feel about mommy blogs.  Right? Just in case: Not fun, not funny.  Just dumb. And then the other day I

Hi, I’m Pete.  When people see that I have adult braces, they ask me questions like “Nice braces, faggot!” or “Nice face fag-o!” Sometimes though

Have you ever wondered how people end up on this web site?   The terms they search that result in helpfulsnowman.com popping up?  Wonder no more. 

The world of Scrabble.  What a fascinating ride it would be.  It turns out, the only thing worse than Scrabble is people who are really

Hey man.  Come on in.  I’ll grab my keys and we’ll get going. Cool, cool.  So this is a nice…hey, what the fuck is that?

I sure hope so.  Because fuck off, you don’t really have a choice.  Go ahead, click something.  See?  See that?  See how I made everything

Alright everybody, settle down.  We’ve got these great powders with weird drugs in them.  They are approved in NO WAY.  In fact, we’re just sending

Wait, wait, wait.  Who is this guy? This guy, right here Which president, exactly, is that supposed to be?  Because my memory of history sucks. 

The Usual: Guy rides skateboard towards railing, messes up, smashes entire penis and balls on railing. The New: Guy rides skateboard towards railing, nails the

Gentlemen, welcome to the war room.  Let’s take a look at the model. Uh…we don’t have any models. What?  Guys, what the fuck? Well, it’s

Hi, hey there.  I, uh, I couldn’t help but notice you’re carrying a notebook there.  That’s really great.  Notebooks are a great thing to be

Hi, welcome to the Cheesecake Factory.  Have you ever been here before? Uh, no. Great!  Okay, first things first, we are not any kind of

Thanks to Kristina for this. So here’s a little bottle of drops to treat fish water.  You know, for your aquarium.  Oh, and just in

How often does everyone else hit this aisle of the store and think, “Fuck it.  I can make a lunch out of this”? Because for

Hi, I’m Pete, and today I’m going to be your guide to this wonderful palace of artistic treasures!  C’mon, art awaits!  Follow me! We’re going

The other day I saw this lady smoking outside the Michael’s craft store and it got me to thinking, again, that smoking might be the

“We’re going to be hunting the deadliest prey.  MAN!” “Oh.  Okay.  I see what you’re getting at.  But…I have kind of a question.” “Go on.”

I’ve been toying with the idea of being an assassin for a long time. Even before I could laugh because that word has ASS in

Q:  Do they make special “Leanin’ Shovels”?  I only ask because I see a lot of really professional leanin’ happening on shovels.  I know that

Welcome back to the pool!  We are so excited for you to be here and eat chicken fingers all over the fucking place.  Ah, summer!

Dear Grandma, Mom said I had to write this letter to thank you for buying me the Dennis Nedry figure from the Jurassic Park movie. 

“Did someone tell the Tampa Bay Rays that they could pick people based on baseball skills and that they didn’t have to just pick dudes