How often does everyone else hit this aisle of the store and think, “Fuck it. I can make a lunch out of this”?
Because for me, it’s a quarterly event. The leaves turn and I think, “Hmm…Pumpkin Crunch Clif Bar. How could that taste like shit?”
The first snow blankets the countryside and I say to myself ,”Egg Nog Powerbar? That’s a winner for sure. No way that’s going to taste like deep inside someone’s asshole.”
Then, spring buds bloom into beautiful flowers and I say, “Okay. Chocolate Luna bar. Surely the don’t fuck up chocolate. It’s one of the oldest flavors in the book. This has gotta work. It won’t, it can’t possibly taste reminiscent of someone butt-chugging vomit and then expelling it at a later date once things have become rancid.”
And finally, summer rolls around with its sweaty balls and sweaty vaginas (I can only assume) and I think, “I’ve given up on life entirely, so what the hell, X-treme Chai Builders Bar.”
They all, without exception, taste like total shit. Am I wrong here? Is there someone out there who craves the flavor of a nice Powerbar now and then? Who would eat them while watching a motion picture? Is it an acquired taste, like wine, that adults acquire over time, like wine, and that I find absolutely putrid, like wine?
This, I thought, would be the future. Magic space food bars. Me, surrounded by different bars in zero gravity. One that tastes exactly like spaghetti. One that tastes exactly like brisket. One that tastes like underage vagina (that one is a trick. Part of what makes this imaginary society such a utopia is that we’re putting baited hooks out there to get the true weirdos out of circulation).
Instead, the future is me trying to choke down a block of bullshit in my car during a lunch break. Even the tears don’t moisten this log of sadness enough to make it a palatable lunch alternative.
You know, this is what I find truly frustrating about everything on planet earth. You see this goddamn movie where they demonstrate how the taste of a McDonald’s french fry is basically manufactured in a lab. So what the fuck, why can’t they make a Powerbar that tastes like FUCKING MCDONALD’S FRIES? You have the fry juice right there! Just pour it in the vat, mix that shit up, and quit screwing around with cranberries and all that crap.
We have the power, the science power to make things taste like whatever the hell we want. And I assume that if we have the science power to make what is essentially a rod of plastic taste like golden light beaming into my tummy, then we should also have the ability to make shitty-tasting food good. Why am I eating something that tastes like dried cum powder when I could be eating a bag of Doritos made out of dried salmon and impregnated with vitamins?
I just don’t know. I’ll never understand, I suppose.