Hotel Sex:
“Alright…baby. The Holiday Inn Express is pulling into the station. At vagina junction. Ah, who am I kidding? I jacked off in a broom closet in the lobby while you were checking in.”
Car Sex:
“Damn…baby. Your pistons are really shaped a lot like hot boobs and…fuck. Damn it. This isn’t working at all. And can we not fuck in the car? I don’t really want to fuck in the car.”
Hot Tub Sex:
“Ooohhhh baby. I’m getting hot. Real hot. And sweaty. No, it’s fine, we can have sex. Can I just get some water first? And maybe lay down for a little while? Then I’ll put a condom on while I’m outside because I don’t want the chemicals to get in my peehole. Baby.”
Public Space Sex:
“Awww…baby. Wow, this fluorescent light really isn’t doing a lot for my schling-scholong here. Ugh. Look at it. Why is it grey? I don’t like this at all.”
Couch Sex:”Baby. This is gonna be soooo good. Because we don’t have to turn off Kitchen Nightmares. We don’t have to turn off Kitchen Nightmares, right? We could have sex without Kitchen Nightmares in the bed.”
Bed Sex:
“Alright, baby. I can’t wait until our juices mix. Into one gross juice that has a pretty weird smell. I want to blame you because it never smells like that when I’m alone. But I think that there might be a Bond-o kind of thing going on here where we have two substances that combine and that’s when the real magic happens. So I can’t wait for all that is what I’m saying.”