Archives

“What if we made a movie, but like, it’s not your dad’s Day of the Dead!? Nick Cannon is no Joe Pilato. Or Mena Suvari

“Can people stop saying this movie is prescient? Like it invented the concept of rich people and poor people? “It’s more relevant now than ever!”

“…if they’d moved this over one franchise to the left, released it as Land of the Dead instead, everyone would be a lot happier in

“I give this 5 stars even though it spawned an NES game that forces you to kill a bunch of dogs on the first level,

“This is my go-to for horror that’s genuinely great and generally underappreciated.”

“Watching this movie in your 20s: Oh, his life is so empty and sad. Watching this movie in your 40s: That looks quite peaceful.”

“I give this movie 5 stars because Halle Berry is topless and for no other reason. I have no defense for this and will make

“Titanic proved you could make a movie where the overall ending was already well-known, and it could still work? How? How, you might ask, can

“My favorite review of this film I’ve ever heard: What a thoughtful movie.”

“I don’t understand how this movie is so boring when Kal Penn beats up Superman on a Kryptonite island. Parker Posey is the real hero

“This goes in the pile of movies I’ll call “gave it a shot because a girlfriend liked it, and now when I’m single and sad

“Pretty stupid, but not as stupid as Next, which is stupid enough to be great and should definitely be watched over this one.”

“I do give Human Centipede all the credit in the world, it DID create an entire new genre of jokes that can be understood by

“I rarely say this when I watch a horror movie, but I’m like 90% sure I could take on a puppet, even if it had

“For starts, too much plot on this movie. I don’t think I fully understand what happened, and I tried rewinding to catch what I must’ve

“In the end this one turns into an R-rated Stay Tuned, which I’m into. I don’t know that this is one of Wes Craven’s Hidden

“There are bad movies that you know are enjoyable because they’re bad. There are bad movies that you know are bad and that you shouldn’t

“When I entered the theater to see this one solo, there was only one other guy in there. He started chatting with me about the

“I saw a lot of movies in the theater more than once at this time. I went and saw Payback, and I brought in a

“I saw The Mummy. Two weeks later, I saw Episode 1. I…did not care for it, and my hopes were sky high. I LOVED Star

“I had an English teacher in college who was totally in love with this movie and kind of ruined it for everyone. He HATED Gary

“I saw this twice in theaters AND read the novelization of this movie. Here’s how it happened. I would’ve been about 15 when this came

“When you find out this movie is a remake of one about a deaf/mute hitman, it makes more sense. You can see the wheels turning. 

“I do give this movie credit for killing a child pretty unceremoniously. I guess only a certain kind of reviewer would see that as a

“I think someone thought of the title, thought it sounded creepy, made it into a movie, and on day one of shooting was like, Holy

“Unfortunately, nazi zombies are actually less of a problem than alive nazis. Less of a threat I should say.  I feel like nazi zombies sounds

“My contribution to the world of cinema should probably be creating a database of when you want to be peak drunk during a movie.  For

“Who did those music stings and why? I just got this vibe of tryhard quirkiness off this movie that I couldn’t shake. Like someone analyzed

“Did anyone else get those weird viral ads for Kurt Russell destroying a priceless guitar accidentally while filming this? I can’t bring myself to click

“I think CG hurt Tim Burton. His style was so unique, but it lost its charm when the objects weren’t really there anymore. Having weird

“I saw this in 3D with my ex and her nephew. Half way through the movie he started screwing around with his 3D glasses and

“I’m going to admit I enjoyed this more than I enjoy the actual movies profiled. If you’re a film person who is bored by Friday

“Kind of like a greatest hits album for Freddy. “

“My biggest disappointment of Cagemas 2021, the holiday where we watched 12 Nicolas Cage movies, which turned into 14 because why not? This movie was

“People seemed to dislike this one the way they seem to dislike oscar bait movies. Which is sort of our own fault. Certain sorts of

“Didn’t connect up with Danny Boyle’s Men as neatly as I thought it would.”

“I could not stop saying Alien co-vin-ent like it was made by the American Movie guys.”

“This movie is totally awesome until the franchise steamroller comes in and makes it into something else at the end. But still, John Goodman is

“Less fun than Gone in 60 Seconds, Less gritty than Drive, I don’t know, it’s the Guy Who’s Good At Driving For Crime Stuff movie

“It’s a total banger from start to finish and the kind of movie Quentin Tarantino and Rob Zombie WISH they could make.”

“The book is better. Yes, I know the book has an orgy in the sewer. Still.”

“Why is the military always studying things? If they were good at studying, duh, they wouldn’t be in the military. “

“Release the Whatever Those Dudes’ Names Are cut. Oh, also, when you tell me Lando is gay or bi or something, I expect at least

“Starts with promise, like most pool parties. Ends with everyone (including the filmmakers) stuck in a situation and no idea what to do now that

“I just hope movies like this and The Descent will encourage people to make good decisions when they go into nature. Maybe the parks department

“Needs more gore. Sorry, but y’all, this is a movie about parents going ape and killing their own kids, and it’s bonkers, and the audience

“I give this movie points for trying to work out a way to make it logical that there could be an entire island that we

“I think this movie falls down near the end when it devolves into a pointless and not-too-pretty-to-look-at slugfest between the fleshed-out wireframes of our two

“The book is better than the movie. If I were a motivated individual, I would create an account here that reviews every single book-based movie

“When I was a kid and we were on vacation, I somehow won a shitload of tickets at an arcade, and I used them to

“Team America did it second and did it worse.”

“Why my mom would’ve rented this for me and a group of kids to watch at a Halloween party when we were…like 7 is kind

“I clearly missed a lot of Chucky lore somewhere along the line. There should probably be a rule with horror franchises: If you have to

“This, like The Social Network, is a great example of hard work making fairly boring subject matter into a pretty damn good movie. I haven’t

“Here’s where I’ll say one thing I dislike about this one, and then we can talk about other stuff. The slow motion chase. Okay, this

“My favorite thing about The Lodge is that I’m able to bestow upon it the coveted “Worst Dad In a Horror Movie” award. Now, this

“I’m not sure how long it’s been since you all watched a PM movie, but I think it’s been a bit too long if your

“Alright, you got your Grits and your Goofs.  Your Grits are movies that should be grittier in a remake. Evil Dead worked, for example. Your

“I know it sounds crazy, but it’s 5 stars because it features my hometown as a location VERY briefly.  Okay, it’s in name alone. It

“If I ever have kids I’ll show them this movie when they complain I’m embarrassing them.”

“This is good and all, but I gotta be honest, I’ve found out I’m a comic book nerd, less a comic book movie nerd.  This

“This is a great example of movies that would’ve shined at 90 minutes getting a little much around 2 hours.”

“Okay, colorblind casting is all good, and far from the least believable thing in this movie. But I would like some kind of an indicator

“Movie is a great metaphor for life as we’ve all traded the arcade for the Internet, and while we haven’t suffered mightily, we lost something.”

“Really more the Heckboy of the series.”

“I’m game for just about anything happening in space. Probably because nobody can hear you scream there, which is great because I scream a lot.

“I get that a lot of people feel this is very brave on a human sexuality front, and I think they forgot that this show

“I would be frustrated as a filmmaker if I made this and saw it was a 3.9 on here. I mean, what do I have

“This is where me and the film nerds part ways.  It’s been fun. You all are okay. I just we just can’t keep doing this.”

“Basically Goosebumps without a title song by Jack Black.”

“The most-read thing I’ve created is this explanation of the sewer orgy from the book. Enjoy?“

“I just read David Sedaris’ newest book, and in it, at his dad’s nursing home, the staff thinks he’s the famous David.  By which they

“People who are shocked by this should watch Taxi starring Queen Latifah. Or maybe it’s Taxi Driver.  I don’t know, just watch both and maybe

“A little box should pop up at the bottom of the screen every 15 minutes, and in the box is the text “I Get It.”

“A bunch of flattened Wes Anderson characters gather to divvy up an estate. Okay, here’s why this sucks: Our main character has this quirk: she

“It’s weird that a VFW hall would be Mandy themed, but whatever, they served, they should do whatever they like.”

“This is one of many movies I rented through a streaming service only to have it pop up on a service I’m subscribed to like

“This starts off promising when Cage captures a wild cat hologram thing, and I can only assume from its appearance that this movie takes place

“I guess if this is the only way to watch more Schitt’s Creek, I’ll take it. But there weren’t enough proposed alternate gags for the

“It’s possible, not likely, but possible, that Charlie Kaufman will reveal that this movie was a joke to see which film critics know what they’re

“I only liked this because it features megastars Rich Evans and Stuart Wellington. But fellow starfuckers will also be delighted.”

“I’d probably watch these fellas travel to the supermarket together. “

“It was pretty fun to watch Bat Men and the Superfriends fight Viking Thanos and his demon mosquitos, but how come they never fight near

“Let me tell you a tale. A tale of Columbia House Movie Club. I was a member, and here’s how it worked: Initially, you’d pay

“Video stores went through almost an identical track that bookstores did: Mom and Pop Bookstores exist. Big box stores come in and mostly put them

“DO NOT LOOK UP IMAGES OR REVIEWS. Just watch it. 1000x better.”

“Fuck it, this is great. It’s strange, it’s stupid. The worst bits are the addition of teenagers who are mostly there for the slaughter, probably

“A dystopic vision of a possible future where the fun city of Portland, OR is overrun by nonsense hipster bullshit.”

“I watched this because I saw Chrissy Teigan (sp?) was having a Squid Game party, and people felt like it was in bad taste. Always

“I did enjoy this a lot, although it exists in that funny horror land where it’s like: this is our world except A) Specific monsters

“These three fellows have really motivated me to age disgracefully.”

“Let’s do this once: I don’t know what S. Craig Zahler’s politics are, but I honestly don’t care a lick. This is basically all I

“Watching teenage girls fawn over Ryan Phillipe playing jazz saxophone is merely one of the many entertainments offered by this movie. “

“Lots of folks like to critique movies with an is it racist/sexist-first mentality.  This movie is a good example of where that falls flat.  This

“My man is a photographer and has the flash enabled on his phone? Get out of here with that. I think this movie is a

“If you’d told me that I could watch a Child’s Play movie with a far more realistic premise, rather than a voodoo spell, there is

“Ugh, wish this really had been on VHS because then I would’ve been unable to watch it.”

“The reveal near the end is hilarious. Aces.”

“This is the origin of Sexy Velma cosplay and you cannot convince me otherwise.”

“I’d kill to see a hard R take on Say Cheese and Die, which also has a hilarious cover with skeletons having a barbecue.”