Application Questions For Petition Hasslers
1. Have you ever been described in terms normally reserved for cleaning products, words such as “abrasive”, “scouring” or “only use in a well-ventilated area”?
1. Have you ever been described in terms normally reserved for cleaning products, words such as “abrasive”, “scouring” or “only use in a well-ventilated area”?
Hello. I’m interested in getting a giant system put in my car. You know, the kind that makes crazy bass noises. What’s that? Yes, I’m
Here are the kinds of students. There is the kind of student who brings pencils. And not only brings pencils, but as a tween is
First Log: This is cool. I’m like a goddamn mountain man. Second Log: This is way better than being a mountain man. I’m like Rocky
Thank you all for coming. The work we do today will echo into the ages. Well, not echo. That’s a bad way of describing it.
I do not have a good beard. Or mustache. If I ever have a good mustache, I’ll grow the hell out of it for the
-The Witching Hour: how missing curfew affects you, your community, and the economy. -The Earie Canal: a whirlwind tour through the human ear and how
This happened today. It’s still sort of happening. The way it happens when you cram a bunch of paper in the trash, where they uncurl
*click* Well. Here we are. Listen, I’m really sorry about this whole thing. Why do we even go to these parties? I mean, think about
What a wonderful machine. Can I explain to you why I don’t work at the soda company? Because I don’t understand simple rules like adding
40-Yard Dash: Athlete spent large amount of time complaining about “asinine” distance. Athlete repeatedly questioned the wisdom of going 40 yards as opposed to 50
Front Crawl: There are two keys to mastering this basic stroke. One, you should be looking straight down at the bottom of the pool to
Well, I’ve got quarters. God knows I’ve got a couple minutes. Let’s check the options here… Kay. Red ball things. Does anyone know what these
Based on an experience I had today where I ate a large portion of a sandwich that I thought SURELY couldn’t be bologna and then
How do they decide who is best at going down the snow tube and doing spins? Why can’t they do skis versus snowboards and settle
Rocketed away from a dying planet, Kal-El discovered that the Earth’s yellow sun imbued him with super powers. He became Superman! Pete, rocketed away from
When high school nerd Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, he found that he had gained the proportional speed and strength of a
…setting places for four people and only including 2 coffee cups. I guess it’s a gamble that sometimes pays off. People don’t all want coffee.
The other night I went to this party. It was a fancy party, but the bad fancy kind. There’s the good fancy kind where everything
Central Vacuums: You’ll always know someone who had one, but you will never own one yourself. If you do happen to own one, it will
Before we go out, would it be cool if I gave your email away to some friends? They’ll only email you, like, a couple times
A few weeks ago I cut my own hair. It was all over the tabloids, but it’s okay if you missed it. Getting a haircut
Gatorade Frost: Glacier Freeze 2014 Fla-Vor-Ice, The Pink One That No One Likes Like Right When You Get Out of The Pool And It’s Cold
In looking at some apartments, I figured, Hey, let’s use that Google Maps shit to check out the neighborhood. See what it’s like. Well, that’s
Every time you think that maybe you see the weirdest thing ever in the bathroom, you find something else. I’m not talking about 1-800-Asshole scratched
1. Get rid of all the F keys. Those things are dumb. We get it, you can make crazy little rows of keys just for
Today is the anniversary of the events that brought around this story. The story, it’s the one I worked up for a writer’s workshop this
Whenever a new catalogue comes in to work, it’s always a good idea to take a look. Whether it be the maybe-racist
Erin, I apologize for not texting you back sooner. Snowbowl is coming. In the meantime, please accept this apology graphic. Stay Shiny! Glitter Delight –
When the Facebook thing came around asking about books that stuck with me, I didn’t think of all my favorite books right off. Having a
0:02 – While straining so hard on a straw that he was causing the structure of said straw to warp. 0:04 – Mid-effort while dragging
Found this nice Seal album on the donation rack. And no, it’s not the good Seal album. You’re thinking of the one called the Batman
“I’m going to break bad these Doritos.” “Don’t worry about the change. It’s all breaking bad in the end, right?” “Couple of breaking bads moved
Mother’s maiden name? Mother’s favorite flower? Color of the skin around your mother’s eyes? What your mother said the first time you came home far
We’ve all tried this one. From now on, it’s biking to work every day, getting up at 5:30, reading the entire newspaper, the one that
Holidays in a small town almost always mean a night out drinking with a weird mixture of people. There’s your friends, the ones who live
There are those times when you show up to the bar. Or party, or gathering of friends, or possibly my bathtub which is filled with
“Thanks for joining our insane, useless service! I know you got tricked into signing up for this because only a complete lunatic with SEVERE head
It has come to my attention that this bullshit is still be happening. Let me be the first to say, I know there is no
As we all know, I’m a huge fan of reviews of things written by amateurs. Half the reason I take vacations is for the excuse
It just so happens that yours truly stopped by the thrift store to see if what this Mackeral fella was saying was true. The important
Dear Pete, Oh man, I forgot to thaw my turkey. What should I do? From, Warren Hi Warren! That IS a turkey emergency. Turkurgency? Turmergency?
On the flight out of Denver a woman sat next to me with a combination of two snacks. Guess which one of the following is
“You can change channel on all TVs to whatever the fuck you want. Is great?” “If you’ve ever wanted to watch a middle schooler fuck
Complaining about the horrors of my gym has become a normal past time. However, walking downtown the other day, I came across this gem, a
Like yesterday’s post, I wanted to talk about another of these little viral stories that’s been going around. Again, I hate them because I feel
People who know me know that one of my biggest hates is the weird viral stories that I suspect are A) Not entirely true in