Inquiry for Hosting Racing Event
Hi, I’m Steve. I’m the owner of this race track here. We’ve been running races for about 15 years right here on this track. We’ve
Six List: Hypothetical Biographies
Okay, so here’s a hypothetical question. You can play along at home. You find a genie in an old Sierra Mist bottle, and the genie
Why Would Someone Do This?
Why would someone install this totally awesome button right in the hallway where I walk about a hundred times every day? Look at this thing!
Dear Velma
Dear Velma, You seem like a smart lady. I mean, you wear glasses and sweaters, so I can only assume that you are smart. But
Questions That Should Never Be Asked
“Is that a centipede?” Never ask that, just start killing. Nobody has ever killed what they thought was a centipede and then discovered it was
Pitched Episodes for My Cooking Show That Will Never See the Air
Episode: Pete attempts to cook filet mignon and is devastated when informed by guest host (TBD) that filet mignon is not made up of clumped
How Are These Kids Getting Glasses?
You know how you sometimes see a little kid wearing glasses? I mean a really little kid, like two. How the fuck do they know
6 List: Shitty Concertgoers
Because summer time is concert time, here is a list of six of the worst people you will see at concerts this summer. If you
Clumsy Segues That Illuminate How My Life is Going
“After I used a bottle to decapitate a beetle that was running across the floor, I was thinking about…” “I was using a toenail clipping
Keith Urban Songs with Parenthetical Statements that Reflect My Feelings
“It’s a Love Thing (, a Fleshlight, Now Put it Back Where You Found It)” “Where the Blacktop Ends (Is that the Shel Silverstein Book?)”
Vacation Album
Ah, the Southwest. Nothing like the desert slathered in green chili. But you know what’s really great about the southwest is all of the great
Notes I Would Put in My Son’s Lunch
“Hey buddy. Have a good afternoon. Please try and invite yourself to someone else’s house for dinner. I suggest holding your tummy and mentioning that
Enough with the Goddamn Board Games Already
In the summer you really get a break from what I like to call Board Game Season. Board Game Season usually runs from about Thanksgiving
Sitting in On a Modern T-Shirt Design Meeting
Okay, guys. Thanks for coming to the meeting here. Alright, so hit me with some ideas. I’m thinking a skull, for sure. Definitely need a
6 List: Brands You Should Really Stop Messing With
This week’s list consists of brands that you should really stop playing around with. If you are still using or promoting these brands, please cease
The Name’s Charles Atlas, Bitch!
Most of you probably already know about the above ad. Certainly anyone who has read a comic book between the years of ever and now.
Every Yahoo! Answers Answer Ever
Q. Does anyone know where to find free software for making comics? . A. Well, yes. I have found several free softwares, but they are
Bad Ways to Start Off a Paper for School
“Way more than once upon a time, the Jews were having some really bad days.” . “Since the dawn of time and then a little
Worst Person of the Week: Unicycle Guy
Before we go too far into this, it is important for you to know that this isn’t some crazy bit we’re running here. This is
Harvey Pekar RIP
Harvey Pekar 1939-Yesterday Almost everything you read about Harvey Pekar starts with a question. And usually that question is, Who is Harvey Pekar? The really
Batman Gets International
So recently I just read this trade paperback called, Batman: International. Let’s keep the snickering to a minimum. The basic idea here is that somebody
Review: The Boy Who Couldn’t Sleep and Never Had To
First off, I challenge anyone to actually remember that title with complete accuracy in two hours. The Boy Who Never Slept and Couldn’t Want…No, The
Six List: Barbecue
This week’s list us sort of for a specific set of people: People who are opening barbecue restaurants. I love barbecue. Some people will eat
If My Body Parts Had Mottos Like States Have Mottos
My Thighs: Where ingrown hairs are homegrown hairs. My Left Arm: The “Flail Me” Appendage. My Taint: The crossroads of everything gone wrong. My Back:
Things That Are Somehow Okay to Say About a Pool but Not an Apartment
“It wasn’t too bad, although it was full of bug corpses.” “There were about 30 shirtless boys playing around in there.” “Before you go in you
Early Review of Talking to Girls About Duran Duran by Rob Sheffield
Talking to Girls About Duran Duran: One Young Man’s Quest for True Love and a Cooler Haircut by Rob Sheffield Okay, before we get too
Protected: Super Secret Confessional Show
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Harley Out of Hand
Okay, this is something that’s been pissing me off for a little while now. Everybody, can we calm down on the Harley merchandise? Seriously, what’s
Pets My Son Would Buy and What I Would Yell At Him
Fish- “You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me. A fish? And I suppose you just think that water comes out of the tap for free and
Breaking Up With Book Club
Dear Read a Million Book Club, I just wanted to say right off that I think you’re really, really great. And now that I said
Everything I Know About the World Cup
By special request, here is absolutely everything I know about the World Cup (with guest fart by Nica): *Apparently, there is a country called Slovenia.
Six List: Bad Advice
This week’s list consits of six pieces of advice you’ve probably heard that are totally wrong. So wrong that it’s a wonder that we’ve even
Convenience Valet
w/ guest art by someone who didn’t probably mean for it to happen. So the other day I bought some pills at the gas station.
Helpful Snowman Name Contest!
Help me name my motorcycle! Winner will win a goddamn prize! The rules: -Don’t pick your own name. That’s dumb. You’re dumb. -Don’t be dumb
Predators
Things That Make Me Excited to See the New Movie Predators: -Danny Trejo -Laurence Fishburne -Topher Grace (I guarantee you there will be a scene
Tornado Sign Suggestions
Does anybody object to this? Not sure if this has already been done, but I figured I needed to do it since I was the
Worst Person of the Week Award: Anyone Who “Delivers” Packages
On buying shitty saddlebags for my dumb motorcycle, I thought the hardest part would be installing them as I have no mechanical abilities or even a
Spiders All in Bloom
Things I Wish I Had Said Out Loud When a Spider Came Rappelling Down From the Shorts I Had Just Put On: “This is outrageous!” “This
Book Review
Here’s a new gem from the book sale. This book uses teh tactic of putting animals in place of the balding, swarthy sweat piles that
6 List and Updates
Welcome to this week’s 6 List. This is a new feature here at Helpful; Snowman, a weekly column that will help me share my sage
My Cut of Time Traveller’s Wife Trailer
Dear Big Movie Studio, I was thinking we might take a different direction with the trailer and marketing. Based on market research on time-travel films,
Worst Person of the Week Award
And the winner is… Dumb Bitch at the Hospital Whose Sole Occupation Appears to Be Standing Outside the Front Doors and Yelling at People to
How I Will Punish My Child
Alright, son. Have a seat. On the table you will see a black folder. Do not open it. Contained within are ten vignettes printed on
Things That People Must Have Been Thinking at the Airport Yesterday
“Wearing bright green and bright yellow together is a sure-fire way to not regret fashion choices in the future!” “I accept that looking like Martin
What I Suspect the Computer Updates Are Doing
Update #347df7fgu7: Make laptop screen wobbly as hell on hinges. Update#f87egsovufgv: Make bottom of computer get extremely hot within 4 seconds of turning computer on.
Please Make the Following Edits
I left two days ago to go rafting, so according to my calculations, I’ve been missing for about 18 hours. You will find a set
Subway. Yeah…goddamnit.
Well, had a great customer in front of me in line at Subway yesterday. Sometimes you have these days where you go in and you
Ways I Am Likely to Die While Rafting
– Fall out of boat and drown in rapids. -Fall out of boat and drown, not so much because of rapids but because the water
What Shakespeare Did
8 AM- Shakespeare wakes up, ruins all of 8th grade by writing some shit play about this broad who loves this dude and they can’t
Really Good/Bad News for Me
“…hair-sprouting moles are less likely to mutate. ‘Melanoma kills hair follicles, so hair is considered a sign of mole health,’ Davis adds. Keep in mind that
God’s Notes on Creating Mermaids
Prototype 1: Fish Head, Woman Body Pros: -Can walk -Can STRUT -Can punch -Vijujy & boobies Cons: -Necessitates creation of creature whose shell can be worn
Hostess: only cupcakes from now on
I know a lot of people out there work in restaurants and have worked in restaurants in the past. I know that because every time
Photographic Week in Review
Well, I’ll give you a guess which store stocks half-eaten Longjohns between car covers. Clues? It’s not Ikea. It’s not Pottery Barn. It is not
Pete V. Ants: FIGHT!
Recently my home was invaded by ants. This is partially my fault. I live in what landlords refer to as a “Garden-level” apartment, or as
C.O.P.S
I want you to take a close look at the action figure on the left. What, in your opinion, is the main difference between him
Time After Time
So a coworker brought in a pack of Cyndi Lauper trading cards. These all were basically pictures of Cyndi Lauper in different poses, although her
Reasons I Could Not Be an Astronaut
-Launch at 4 AM. -Horrifying half outdoor elevator ride to the top of the shuttle. -I look shitty with a flat top, shot-sleeved button-up, skinny
Questionnaire That People Must Be Filling Out Before They Join My Gym
When told you have to wear shoes inside the gym when not in the pool area, youre reaction is: A. To say, “Oh, that makes
Motorcycle Problems I Feel Like Other People Aren’t Having
“Sorry I’m late. There was a bee that kept buzzing by my motor and I was afraid to go while he was right next to
Wow, Thanks Borders!
So I get online to see if Borders has a DVD I’m looking for. Yes, I know that there are about 50 better, cheaper places
Mega Man (3)
Okay, for those of you who are sick of goddamn Mega Man, this is the last day of Mega Man. I promise it’ll be back
Mega Man (2)
More Mega Man, you say? Hell yes. Yesterday we spent some time exploring the wonderful world of box covers. Today we talk about the characters.
Mega Man (1)
Okay, here’s a quick catch-em-up for people who were dead, too dumb to avoid playing outside, or poor in the 90’s: Mega Man is a
Some Favorite Email Subject Lines
The ogre Re: Coffee Cup Calamity! someone is watching you some dudette’s dead mouse in children’s weird phone call holocaust films even more cake Chinese
Week in Photographic Review
Well, here’s the owner’s manual for my motorcycle that I finally scrounged up online. This is the main piece of advice it gives on maintenance
Problem with Porn (A Visual Illustration)
Let me just say up front that I have no personal problem with dicks. I acknowledge their right to exist and though I am not
Clownin’
Well, you can most certainly imagine my delight when this was placed on my desk by wonderful, wonderful coworkers. I have so much to say
Home Depot User’s Guide
The key to a successful Home Depot trip is preparation. And I mean more preparation than it takes to go on a normal shopping excursion,
In Defense of Chuck Palahniuk
Howdy, So, after finishing Chuck Palahniuk’s newest book, Tell-All, I have to say that he’s been in a bit of a slump. For me. However,
My life in Sitcom
I was born a twin. There was me and my brother Eric. For a long time, my parents pretended that we were one kid.
Messages for All My Lovely Spammers
Hello Out There, While I do want to thank you for your prolific comments, I have to say that so far I haven’t been fooled.
Catalogue Highlights
Here are some selections from a favorite catalogue. It’s no SkyMall, but it has some amazingly shitty stuff, plus some of the most awkward models
Questions Asked That May Have Ended the Date
with guest art by Alec Do you think that Superman, because he has X-Ray vision, finds guts attractive the way I find boobs and butts,
Shopping Cart Driver’s Ed
Welcome to shopping cart driver’s ed. My name is Pete and I will be your instructor. I recognize a lot of you. Lady With About
Party Themes and How They Ended
Mixed Cd Party. Premise: 10 people come, each making a mixed CD and making 10 copies of said CD. Everyone exchanges and drinks. Result: New
Latest Inventions
Double-Sided Business Cards: This way, every time they’re sitting in a fishbowl and waiting to win a free lunch for the whole office, everybody can
Sales Blitz at Quality Auto Sound
Phase 1: All employees wear billowy button-up shirts in purples and pinks. Phase 2: Half-oval signs sticking off the side of the building so that
Seminars I’ll Be Teaching
Sizing Up: Stepping into Someone’s Shoes WithOUT Stepping on Their Toes. Motivated SalesWomanShip: How You Can Raise a Fortune Selling Tickets for Ladies-Only Cruises. Play-Dohn’t:
ON: Opening Bands
Okay, let’s just stop it with the opening bands. Before budding musicians out there get upset, let me say that I understand your point. Yes,
From the Liberry Book Sale…
1. Get sweet jacket. Men hate cold girls. 2.Wear the tie and shirt of Dwight Schrute. 3. Carry a clipboard. That way they know you
Because I Had One Hour to Kill at Target
Some new favorite items. This is a frozen food. I’m not a chef when it comes to Texas toast. But am I to understand that
Quiznos: the Saga Continues
Regular readers probably know how I feel about Quiznos. But if you’re new, as I suspect many of you are, there are some things you
Fantasy, Ironically Enough
Today’s entry enhanced with FArt by heather So, great news today. Your friend and the friend of my panini (circa 1999) Tyra Banks has a
Flying Ants? Really?
Review of Your Place Coffee: Coffee: Good Service: Good Atmosphere: Good, though a little Bible-y Flying Ants: Present, burrowing into my hair, and dying in
Free on Craigslist
Some of the free items available on Craigslist RIGHT NOW! First of all, thanks for the suggestion. You are correct in thinking that I
Questions I Have for Former Teachers
Why do I know where the Amazon river is while I can’t point to Korea on a map? How come I know how to find
Week in Photographic Review
A collection of photos that wrap up loose ends from the last week. I had always suspected that the lady at Spicy Pickle had a
Craigslist Authentication is Jerks
So, these are the words craigslist asked me to type in for authentication. This is for real. Now, of all the words in the
Pete: Funhouse Inspector
Report: Uncle Jay-Bob’s Mid-MidWay Funhouse!!! Status: Condemned Comments: House did not meet standards issued by OSHSHAA, PECTRJD, or the Board of JSEDH Report: [transcribed from
Failed Attempts to Trick Someone Into Having Butt Sex With Me
“Oh no, your parents are coming! We gotta hide this boner somewhere, quick!” “I picked up your prescription, honey. Oh, man, looks like it’s a
Great Things to Write in the Notes Field on a Check
with special treat: Fan Art (FArt) by Ian! “Do not look up. This is a robbery. Put everything you’ve got into an empty Fritos bag
Suck it, Math!
Real text transcript between Pete and his brother: Brother: You got a letter from the IRS. Maybe you won their sweepstakes. Doesn’t look like a
One of the Worst Books in Recent History
As you might expect, someone in my position comes across some real shit books. And I’m not just talking about the ones where a train
Let’s Talk Marketing, Jesus
Dear Christians, I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. I was in a coffee shop the other day and there was a bizarre homeless
HoneyBear
Well, you’ve really done it, honey company. Can I ask a quick question? Why is this bear goddamn wall-eyed? Am I supposed to think he’s
McDIaries: II
One morning I got a call at seven asking me to come in. I said sure. When I woke up all the way
McDiary: Pt. 1
There’s a picture somewhere in my mom’s house that shows me standing in a black McDonald’s uniform. Well, mostly black. The hat was maroon. But