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I’ll let you guess which was mine.

Today was a really nice day for me and Dum-Dum.  We went to the park and I accidentally left him in one of those swings

Hey readers.  When we last left Dum-Dum, he was still a piece of shit and the skin started coming off his head. He needed some

We got to the lady’s house.  I have to say, it was kind of crappy.  Disappointing for a house for a grown-up, you know?  She

Today, me and Dum-Dum started our day out at Petsmart.  This is another one of those great parenting tips I was promising everyone.  Did you

Today was a rough day with baby.  It started out okay.  I opened up his drawer/bed and went to get his lazy ass up, but

I have a baby.  It’s a Halloween miracle. Friends and family want all the details about the baby, even though they didn’t seem to give

(special thanks to my chum-diddly-umptious) **** Pretty Not Bad If you haven’t seen Ghostbusters, it’s about these three guys who use backpacks to catch ghosts. 

-Use your $5 on day one to purchase a tin can for begging.  This is known as begging and it frowned upon.  Lots of people

Can someone explain the point of this stamp to me, please? Why would you take the time to stamp a book with a stamp that

“The teacher said, ‘Class, I’d like you to welcome our newest student- Adolf Hitler!’” “As I watched the blood swirl down the drain, I realized

So I went to a couple concerts last week and I got something to say. I’m not a shy pisser.  I can pee in front

Things I am Not Likely to Scream in Any Situation. “Oh my god, my face!  My beautiful face!” “My Moneyyyyy!!!!” “Charge!” “Tell my children I

Can we all take a close look at this thing for a second? Now imagine you’re an artist creating the new design for the nickel. 

Dear Lil’ Buddies, Howz it goin’?  Sorry, I know you hate it when I try to be cool, homies.  But let me tell you about

1.  Denial Oh fuck.  This isn’t happening.  This is not happening. 2.  Anger Really?  You had to eat that whole fucking burrito?  Couldn’t have left

“Wikipedia is not an acceptable source.” Oh really?  At least Wikipedia cites something.  Meanwhile you stand up there with no fucking citation whatsoever.  I’m just

Part of posting on your own web site is that you get spammers.  They’re a lot like the ones you get in email, the ones

Section 32. Person defined. As used in sections 3*, 6**, and 25*** of Article II of the state constitution, the term “person” shall apply to

Did FDR Know About the Attack on Pearl Harbor Ahead of Time?   It seems to me that No, he didn’t.  Remember, this was a

Hi.  I’ll take one aquarium, please. Sir, you are required to wear a shirt to enter these premesis. Oh. And I can’t help but notice

[note: for anyone reading this via facebook, scroll to the bottom and click “view original post” in order to see all images and video.  Or

So is this planned in any way, or is it more like you get convoluted directions from a giant loom like in that shitty Wanted

After the last couple stories seemed to resonate with people, I wanted to share my other two classic stories of our wonderful public servants in

“Pete, congratulations on defeating your enemy.” “-huff- -huff- yeah.  Thanks.  Um, thanks, Gandorf.” “Now that you have slain him, you must eat his eyes and

First of all, this is going to be disappointing.  It’s not much of a story.  The story part comes in with my furious anger, which

Two important things to get out of the way here. 1. Enough with the fucking dogs. 2. Cops are so goddamn worthless it blows my

#89: The Haunted Home Depot Summary: This kid gets trapped in Home Depot overnight.  It’s scary and these little creatures are running around, operating the

The cottage porn industry has given us a lot to be happy about over the past several years.  With internet porn ever on the rise

What the hell is going on with these computer updates? Every couple days or so my computer tells me it NEEDS updates, which I immediately

Get a load of this headline: Sun Chips noisy biodegradable bag gets tossed There are slow news days, and then there are days when time

Ah, sports.  Nothing to make it all worthwhile like a shitty cup made out of metal.  But we love our shiny metal cups, so let’s

Okay, let me look at my dance card here and see what I’m up against. * *   Okay, “Ryu” is up first, huh?  He

A lot of people are putting the word “Random” as the title of a Facebook photo album. Please stop.  You clearly do not understand the

Write a letter to people that film remakes of ’70s b-movies which are too slick, trying too hard, and/or are unfunny. Dear Those Guys,  This

Please write a letter to my ISP that always lies about how their service sucks and they need to get their shit handled. Thanks Dylan

Okay, first I’d just like to say thanks for all the hard work you did on my house.  I always wanted salmon-colored walls and long

Congratulations on combining two of my least favorite things, theater and bad songs, with two of my other most hated things, bad storytellling and bright-eyed

Stop it. This is a little boy.  He’s what, 12? When I was 12 I was still relatively certain the vagina was on the front. 

You guys seem to be doing alright.  People buy your shit and then other people steal it from work all the time, so I guess

I know what you did.  Not cool. You made Super Mario Bros, which was great.  And then you sent over Super Mario Bros. 2, which

www.apple.com That’s where you buy an iPod.  The jukebox is not an iPod that you’re leasing one song at a time.  So what’s the fucking

I do not understand your lifestyle. I’m sitting in Subway thinking about my life and how it ended up at Subway, and you come walking

  Hey, we all have a job to do.  I understand.  It’s tough out there kid, and you have to watch out for yourself. But

This week is all about letters, letters written to people who pissed me off recently.   This is the first time I have been saddened that

“I was hoping this would result in a Talking Heads blog.” Fuck… Well, let me start by saying that I know almost nothing about the

Dear HelpfulSnowman, Please write a really really sarcastic blog about comments/responses one could make regarding ignorant conversation about food/weight comments. I should point out that

“You should write about how people take weight loss pills instead of getting to the gym, or simply eating less and moving more.” Ah, the

For the next five days I’m proud to present topics suggested by readers. Today’s topic:  The Comic Store Lady This one requires a little backstory.

It has come to my attention that there are serious arguments against masturbation.  In fact, a little googling will reveal lots of links about “overcoming”

Okay, just watch the trailer below.  Ignore the movie as much as possible.  Also, for the love of god, ignore the National song ruined forever. 

-Take this medication to cure symptoms such as nasal congestion, cough, sore throat, and voice crack that makes you sound seventeen again.  And not in

Are you tired of not having a flat belly?  I can help. I have real, flawless, online tips for a flat belly.  You may have

Lots of people ask for advice.  Not from me, but from people like Dear Abby.  What does that crusty old bitch know that I don’t? 

You fuckers. I’m getting sick, and this is probably your fault.  Allow me to explain what happened here: First, you got sick, probably because you’re out

As our annual feature, we at helpfulsnowman.com would like to make a strong Halloween costume suggestion. We have lots of costumes based on everyday things,

From Wikipedia:  Foley is the reproduction of everyday sounds for use in filmmaking.   These reproduced sounds can be anything from the swishing of clothing and

Before we go any further, I know that people spell it differently.  But fuck that.  K-O-R-A-N is just easier, and I have to type it

My second special request in one week? At this rate, I won’t have to come up with ideas anymore.  The world of shit talk and

We probably all know about the downfall of Blockbuster, the company that is declaring bankrupt and has the whole world saying, “Wait, I thought you

Have you ever wanted to write a book for children, but you’re not sure how?  Use this simple children’s book generator to create your masterpiece

Before we get started, let me tell you about the other three movies I’ve walked out of in my life: 1.  Freddy Got Fingered.  I

Tell us why you’re interested in this position. This is still for money, right?  Nah, just kidding.  This position is interesting to me because I’m

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Let me ask a question: How come some people go to Qdoba and all of a sudden think they are boss of the restaurant? I

Why is this thing so fucking small?  This is a DVD remote, not a cell phone.  I’m not carrying this around in my pocket.  I

Happy Birthday to April, The Prologue The prologue?  You have enough information about someone’s birthday that it requires a prologue? Seth’s Birthday…A Month Later Yeah,

* * * …aaaand at this point I realized that though I would like the joke to continue, I am 100% out of historical figures

1.)  Steve’s dad wants to be Steve’s best man.  But Steve wants his buddy Eric to be his best man because Steve’s dad is kind

Why, no matter how stupid, do I always have to try new kinds of chips on the rack at Subway? Seriously, I don’t like Sun-Dried

When someone asked me to come up with some good places to get married, I thought, Yes.  I am the right person for this job. 

Dear Snowman, Tell me your opinion on this book idea!? Okay, so this is what I’ve got so far for an idea for an anime-out

A really annoying question I get a lot is, “Are you growing your hair out?”  Well, yes.  But not really by choice.  This has come

Signs I Considered Putting on This Chair That Was Definitely Not Mine, But Near My Place (now bedbug) FREE! God, I hate this chair. This

This is a review of the place, not the acts.  Which is how it should be, dummies.  You don’t rate a movie theater based on

Ok, dude, so, I have no need for a chair right now.  I really don’t.  Mostly because I’m more in to dating short women as

Also available now on the writing page, helpfulsnowman.com/writing This is a hand grenade

You know you want my chair. http://fortcollins.craigslist.org/zip/1913818008.html Shit!  I been flagged.  If that one doesn’t work.  Try this one: http://fortcollins.craigslist.org/zip/1913887920.html

Southern Slave Owner:  So tell me what you have going here. Egyptian Pharaoh:  Well, we have our slaves building these wonderful pyramids. SSO:  Uh huh. 

-What if everyone besides me can read minds, and I’m the only one who can’t do it, but nobody is saying anything because it’s such

In my travels I’ve come across some pretty great library books.  Have a looksee: Ah, nothing like a good weather disaster story.  Like on the

The other day I went and saw Scott Pilgrim vs. the Universe with an excitement that I can only describe as “a boner.”  The comics

So it turns out that I subconsciously decided to (poorly) model my hair after Eric from Boy Meets World. This would be a great decision

Just a little pic from a recent trip to Utah. C’mon, guys.  This is a little much.  I know there’s room for tradition here, but

Dear Creepy Fucks, This letter is to all of you, but also only one of you. Allow me to explain. As you have probably noticed,

Me at Work:  Yeah, we have a vending machine.  I’ll walk you over this way.  So, how’s your day going so far? Asshole:  That is