Archives

I went through a time like that.  Let me tell you a long personal story where the circumstances are completely different, the cast of characters

“Okay, you’re stuck on a desert island and you can only bring 5 books.  Which 5 books do you bring?” “Um, okay.  In the City

Suction Cup Spider-Man What it’s supposed to do:  Stick to a window, frighten criminals. What it does:  Makes you think it’s sticking just long enough

Can we talk about something really awful? So I’m looking at a TV screen the other day and I see a commercial for an animated

2 Weeks Prior You know, I can really do this.  People way shittier than me do it all the time.  It would be so simple.

Does anybody else remember grab bags? I hope not, because if you do it means that someone took you to garage sales as a kid,

Hey, wait a minute.  Guys look really cool when they use Binaca.  They look like they know what they’re doing.  And when you watch a

pg. 2  Table of contents that is so goddamn busy with pictures, text in various fonts, and columns that it would never be possible to

-Long, pointy suckers that somehow sharpen as you eat them and are lengthy enough to stab through your entire brain should not be a first

Aerosol sprays are for killing insects.  This does not include crabs, so there’s no reason to aerosol your body. The sound of using a hygiene

Howdy, We have some very special, very important announcements today. First, congratulate me on our very first Print Issue of helpfulsnowman, which you may find

That smug son of a bitch. You know, when I was a kid, I think I just thought that was the Quaker guy like Aunt

Super Bowl Committee:  Okay, then you start hearing the opening riff to “Sweet Child O Mine” and then, Boom, Slash comes out of nowhere and

Here’s the idea:  The following letter was sent to several of our makers of fine and not so fine beers.  We’ll patiently await their emails

The other day I heard about the Avatar Fleshlight. Let’s start over. A Fleshlight is a flashlight-shaped thing that you use to masturbate your dick.

Ah, staff day.  A day filled with learning. As per usual, let me round up some information I learned today as a public service. -Breakfast

Ah, tax time. It’s my favorite time of year, that time when we get back a little slice of the interest-free loan we gave the

Does everyone know about the group of lawyers suing Taco Bell because the taco meat is not 100% beef?  Did you also know that “suing”

Permanent Markers These dark black cookies will ignite your senses without the harmful side effects of Sharpie sniffing.  Well, most of them.  You’ll probably still

Before you ask, I didn’t watch the super bowl yesterday.  There are plenty of reasons not to.  It’s long as shit, boring, and ultimately forgettable. 

Those who know me well know that one of my favorite past times is looking on Tripadvisor and reading reviews of hotels.  I don’t know

192.  Do You Ever Think About Changing Yourself to Please a Man? Well, who hasn’t?  I don’t think I’d have to do all that much

No, they don’t, do they. Well, despite forgetting my regular shoes, the ones meant for exercising that don’t slide around on the gym floor, I

-Weird, outdoor patio in city where climate is cold nearly year-round. -Pool that is small enough to jump across with a water slide built in

stupid slides in school advance on the beep.  dumb kid always got one slide behind

Alright, I understand that people should not be eating at Buffalo Wild Wings.  It pretty much sucks.  The only things that suck worse than the

This is exactly what it looks like, a cardboard piece that explains to you how to pick up a CD from the jewel case, place

This is from an airport pamphlet.  I’m a big fan of the airport pamphlet stand.  I enjoy picking up pieces of paper that describe to

Here, re-typed, is a portion of instructions I received with a floor lamp purchased from Target.  For convenience, all the lies are in bold. CONGRATULATIONS. 

Great news everyone!  Despite what we’ve all been thinking, the Post Office really does care. Okay, maybe they don’t care enough to keep a dog

1010. Have a car phone date while you are both driving home from work. “Hello?  Oh, hi.  Yeah.  Good.  It was fine.  No, it was

Can I stop being shown the cleavage of Jillian Michaels, if that’s what you want to call it?  Seriously, this is not good cleavage, but

For my book, I read Fantastic Mr. Fox.  This book is about a Fox who is a man and is really a wonderful kind of

The way things are going, we are all going to be victims of viral video at some point.  Who would have thought that activities so

It’s not a commonly known fact that the Unabomber’s brother is the one who busted him.  He read the Unabomber’s manifesto in the newspaper (which

“Hey, I have a big truck, so I’ll just go across three spaces.” Good work, fucko.  You know what’s cool about having a big truck? 

A new dummy has joined the parade of people I hate from my gym. A gym is a really good place to pick up enemies,

Have you gone into the bank to ask for new checks and they ask you which number you’d like to start at?  I don’t understand

Do you own…. ٱ  A stockpile of really shitty microwave pizzas, the kind where the pepperonis are cubed somehow ٱ  A filthy microwave in which

“So then I had to go through the wall on the other side to get in there and sweat the pipes.  It was pretty hairy

Wine is kinda bullshit. For example, even if you don’t like wine and try to provide some for a party, it’s pretty much impossible.  You

First Snow: Oh man, it’s so exciting that it’s winter!  This clean blanket of pure snow, it’s like a symbol that we can all start

Person A:  Attractive, 20-something woman with some light acne scarring and a very nice smile. Person B:  Motherly, daycare provider with a very warm personality.

Putting a small percentage of your clothing into one machine that takes specialized detergent and is capable of both washing and drying……….Rich. Collecting a decent

1.  Because you serve fucking nachos!  If I’m not mistaken, which I rarely am when it comes to snackfoods, Doritos are supposed to be some

“Hey Elmo, what do you call a black guy who…” “Hey Elmo, I have to tell you something.  Yesterday, my wife left me.” “Elmo, do

I open the door of the work bathroom, and the first thing that hits me is a wall of stink.  I’m thinking, holy shit, who

Welcome to the Eighth Dimension Hardware Store.  Is there anything I can help you find today? Yes, we do have the large washers that connect

I have a question for the people who made my DVD player. Regular readers might be familiar with my other complaint letters to the makers

There are Facebook updates, and then there are Facebook updates.  Maybe for some of you who have very few Facebook friends, the number and variation

A lot of you probably made New Year’s Resolutions.  And you did them wrong. Think about it, if you weren’t an idiot you wouldn’t be

You deserved it. Get well soon so that I can get back to making fun of you without feeling bad. Wouldn’t it be funny if

Do other people’s insurance agents send them birthday cards?  Mine does.  I have to say, it’s got to be one of the most pointless gestures

As someone who is sick all the time, I have tried just about every different method of dealing with the common cold.  Listed below are

Dear Diary: It has been suggested that I keep this diary.  By my therapist.  I normally don’t listen to the advice of a guy with

There were some big news stories that everyone might have missed over the holiday: I hate to sound like someone is anti-India, mostly because I

Man do I hate those guys. Here’s a great holiday plan:  Let’s put berserk hobos in front of every single place that you go, especially

One thing that’s really nice for me is that I always get a cold right around Christmas.  And because I eat right and exercise, I

I was listening to a radio show the other day where they were going over some recommended rules for how to behave at an office

Another problem with Christmas is that it always reminds me of the passing of my beloved grandfather…

One thing I can’t excuse about Christmas is the Santa Pushers. The last couple years, I’ve been treated to the job of helping out a

The only thing worse than giving a gift is giving some garbage to someone you don’t even know. If you work in a place, you

  You know what’s really shitty about this holiday?  The whole thing where someone starts saying Merry Christmas, then stops them self and says, Happy

What’s that sound I hear? Is it music? Is it the sound of a convertible sliding under a truck, which decapitates the convertible driver from

Let’s talk gifts.  When someone gets you a gift, you expect them to say something like, “Merry Christmas,” or, “This is for you.” But what

  Santa.  This is for idiots. “You know what I would like to do?  Work really hard and really save cash for three months, get

Day 1:  Christmas Trees This is kind of where everything begins. For those of you who don’t know because you’re from Africa or you grew

I’d Rather Be Fishing.  But just barely. I’d Rather Be Fishing. Unless it’s the kind where you have to stand in the water.  If that’s

Guys, holy shit. This is never going to fucking work. First of all, I don’t understand the point of this project at all.  5 robotic

Headline:  Nerd Wins Some Contest That You Don’t Even Understand the Rules of, Stands at Podium Headline: Guest Speaker at Assembly That Everyone Attended and

Can we talk about how insane this is? So you buy this ant cage at a toy store or whatever, and then you send a

“Um, also, just to be safe, we made this robot no stronger than a small child. We had some issues where previously they were stronger

Digital Death Has everyone heard of this?  If not, I’ll explain as quickly as I can. Alicia Keys and a bunch of other celebrities got

Fall Magic: Shitty leaves all over the goddamn place that cover a layer of mystery slime. Winter Magic: Walking barefoot to the dumpster and being

1.  Bambi is a dude? 2.  How did Snow White have an apple in her windpipe for three weeks without dying? 3.  Who thought that

To prevent chronic injury in lifeguards who spend eight hours a day twirling a whistle on a rope around their finger until it’s all the

Ben Stiller hit in the nuts with a rolled-up yoga mat. Ben Stiller hit in the nuts with a woman’s purse as she quickly turns

Something that a lot of teachers do in high school is assign you to write a letter.  It’s the first day of high school, and

Flossing, if not total bullshit, is at least partial bullshit. Think about it.  What other part of your body do you run a string across

Parents are always encouraging their kids to do shit, and when their kids do shit they are happy.  Jimmy should play soccer, Johnny should join

Incident Report Wonka Chocolate & Candy, inc. 11/12/1986 Please state your full name: Ooompa Loompa Doopity (Doo) Occupation: Enslaved Elf Creature, hard candy sector Please

First of all, real nice that we call it “Black” when it’s cheap shit day.  Real fuckin’ nice.  I see we’ve all come a long

According to analytics, the following are search terms that were entered into google and directed people to this web site.  For your convenience, search terms

Years Ago:  “And you say that you’re Steve?  Okay, good enough for me.” Not so Long Ago:  “Make sure to put your bag up on

So the other day I went to a coffee shop.  They force you to buy baked goods there because instead of having them wrapped up

“Oh, we had this neighbor kid who could slam dunk, and he hung off the rim and bent the shit out of it.  I think

That’s it? Remember that story where John Henry raced the stem engine?  I think the steam engine beat him, but I feel like the moral

Is this a sign that he likes me? this guy I like was helping to sell lunch today at school and I was waiting in

A news story about a coffee shop which makes a 10-shot espresso drink hit the interwebs today.  Mostly confusing because the title was “Porn in

Okay, just in case you can’t tell what’s going on here, this is a metal flask wrapped in a plastic bag. Printed on the plastic

Has everyone else seen this damn sign everywhere: Can we stop with this thing already?  It’s cute and all, but after about 40,000 times it’s

Are these things candy or medicine? Arguments for Medicine: 1.  Found in Medicine Aisle 2. Contains an “Active Ingredient” 3. Has Directions for Use, which