“You know how there was always a rumor in school that if you took the SAT and answered “C” on everything, you’d pass? That’s what I decided to do here. Whatever options, I took number 2. That is, the second choice. I didn’t take a dump and decide what to do on the toilet. You probably didn’t assume that. It’s a stretch for this joke premise, thinking someone might assume that I was taking dumps and pondering on the shitter. But that joke is in the past now. Let’s not dwell on it.
#2’s got me pretty far. I got to an ending where I wasn’t dead, but it turned out the Evil Power Master was maybe not evil? I landed on his planet, and everything was pretty nice and everyone was happy. So maybe he’s not evil? Maybe I’m the monster?
Wait, no. That doesn’t make sense. He blew up a bunch of planets. He “showered” a planet with missiles. I mean, maybe his pad is cool, but…I don’t know. Isn’t that like saying Dr. Doom must be alright because life goes on in Latveria?
Book, you’ve tricked me. You’ve tricked me into one of those dumb “Maybe it’s us, HUMANS who are the real monsters!” but it’s totally unearned. The Power Master is clearly evil. That’s why he’s called the EVIL Power Master. You don’t just voluntarily add “EVIL” to the beginning of your name because it’s a family name or something.
I did enjoy the opening crawl of this book. Yes, these books have text in a Star Wars style, except the text isn’t yellow and isn’t in space and there’s no music and it doesn’t make sense…actually, scratch that one, that part is exactly like Star Wars.
This one had a line that said, “This time he used his highly focused laser. Next time it could be a shower of missiles. Or a pay-off to some corrupt official.” Now, hold the phone. Rule of 3’s here. You can’t go laser, shower of missiles, then paying off some guy. This sequence does not escalate things. It goes, it gets better, then…eh. I mean, paying off a politician? [Pete: this is a placeholder reminder to insert politics/corruption joke here once you’ve finished googling them and found one that’s only been told a couple billion times]
Oh, also, I should mention this is apparently a sequel to another book. This book started out talking about what great decisions I make and what a good leader I am. I felt like such a fraud because I knew that I didn’t belong here. I hadn’t made good decisions. I died way before I ever got to the sequel. Not since I started with Zelda II have I felt so bad about myself. “