Dear the Internet,
First, thank you for the wide selection of pornography. It is wonderful, and it makes me feel very fortunate when I think back to the days when I was looking at a page I ripped out of a Playboy at Waldenbooks and then laminated myself to keep from getting too may creases.
That said, I have a few requests of things I would never like to see again. I try to be conscious of other peoples’ tastes, but I feel like these are things that nobody NEEDS to see, so maybe we can make a compromise(?)
At any rate, get back to me and let me know what you think.
Best,
Pete
–Men banging someone naked except for a cocked baseball hat. It is my belief that people who wear cocked baseball hats should not be banging at all, so I find this offensive. I’m not the polite police, but I feel like it’s probably alright to take your hat off when banging. I can see your goddamn dick, seeing your hair is really quite a few steps below.
–Using spit as lube. The issue isn’t so much with the spit as it is with the coughing up what sounds like a huge looge and then spitting it into the hand. How about you just lick your goddamn hand and then bang some coked-out weirdo in the ear like the rest of us.
–Ladies pretending to be orgasmic as they are shot all over with cum. I don’t know how this pull-out thing started, but it’s enough. Internet, I trust you that the dude came. And I promise you will never hear the criticism, “It was pretty hot, but then I think the dude was faking his orgasm and that totally killed it for me.” I’m confident that the dude came, and honestly have very little stake in whether he did or not, so let’s just keep things internal for a little while. If you must, the dude can say, I totally came in you.
–Fucking in a coffin. I don’t know how I came across it, but there sits (squats? spiders?) a couple, banging in an open coffin. It was like the whole thing was captured on a funeral home security camera. Here’s the thing: feel free to bang at work if you work in a funeral home. I could care less because really it’s the best place. Who is going to catch you? Plus, I’d rather you were banging someone alive in there than taking out your libido on a corpse. But do you really have to bang in the goddamn coffin? It looked like there were plenty of chairs and lots of floor space. I don’t know who bangs in a coffin, but I suspect that even Dracula has a separate bed, or maybe some knd of weird itron sex swing, but at least it’s not in the place where a corpse goes. Assholes.