The Ten Questions I Would Put on the Census

1.  Name

2. Circle the name of person who was biggest the dick in high school:
      Kyle
      Greg

3.  Write in the name of a race of people that you really don’t care for.  C’mon, just do it.  Nobody will know, I swear.

4.  How many people live in your dwelling?

5.  For how many of those people does it seem like he’s the only one who unloads the dishwasher, buys toilet paper, and doesn’t finish off a whole plate of spaghetti that doesn’t belong to him/her?

6.  Man, how did you (in your own words) get tricked into this?

7.  Would you be more willing to fill out this form if it was more fun?

8.  Would it be more fun if instead of writing things in you had to scratch off little patches of silver, like a scratch ticket?

9.  In the event of the zombie apocalypse, how many people (including yourself) do you think you could ferry to safety using only the vehicles, weapons, and food currently at your disposal?

10.  Did you realize that was a trick question?  WHEN the zombie apocalypse comes, it is you and only you who can fight for your survival.  It doesn’t matter if it’s your newborn child standing in the way, you mow her down with every ounce of survival instinct you have, and you just keep running, motherfucker!