“Well, pretty great. It’s like…how do I describe something as pulpy, but in a 90’s way? If you can read this with an appreciation for that, you’ll fucking love it. It’s bonkers, it’s crazy, and there are some serious machinations involved in giving Thanos a reason to fistfight the Marvel U that are totally worth it.
I think my favorite part of this is that Thanos is basically trying to make Death his girlfriend. Death is sometimes a skeleton, sometimes a babe, and Thanos keeps trying all kinds of different stuff. This would make a great Valentine’s story if it was handled a little differently. Maybe he could get love advice from different heroes instead of fighting them.
Spider-Man: Don’t break her neck.
Cyclops: Don’t get involved in a love triangle. It’s sexy and fun at first, but it ends poorly.
Wolverine: Hey, I got tons of girlfriends. They’re in…Japan. Yes, that’s the ticket. Japan. They’re Japanese, so you’ve never heard of them.
Daredevil: You can punch your way out of sorrow, but the good vibes don’t last long. It’s very exhausting.
Captain America: I’m kind of into a GILF thing because of my circumstances. I’d rather not talk about it.
Iron Man: The bottle will always be my mistress. God do I miss drinking. You’d think flying around in tech armor like some goddamn anime character would scratch the itch, but it’s just not the same as getting housed on bourbon and filling that helmet with vomit.
I’m sure there are some heroes who have good relationships. With someone.
The Infinity Gauntlet itself is pretty much just a glove. It’s the gems that go inside it that are awesome. It seems weird and coincidental that the Infinity Gauntlet perfectly matches Thanos’ getup, but maybe he matched his outfit with the end goal of getting the gauntlet. Who has a purple body and dresses in blue and gold? The master of existence, that’s who. He can be literally ANYTHING and he’s like, “I’ll stay. Weird chin made out of ridges, built like a brick shithouse, blue and gold and purple, terrifying pits for eyes. I gotta do me, knaw mean?”
Anyway, it’s the gems that are important. According to the Marvel Wiki, we’re talking about the following:
Time Gem: Total control over all aspects of time including time travel, stopping time, slowing down or speed up flow of time and to accelerate or slow down aging.
Space Gem: Limitless manipulation of space, allowing for teleportation, dimensional manipulation, creation of wormholes, etc.
Soul Gem: Limitless manipulation of souls both alive and dead also has shown to be able to evolve or devolve a beings physical self as well as their mental capacities.
Reality Gem: Locally or universally alters the natural laws of the universe to the wielders will.
Power Gem: Controls all of the power in the universe. It can be used to augment or inhibit any force.
Mind Gem: Taps the user into the universal consciousness, allowing for unlimited manipulation of psionic powers including telepathy and telekinesis.
And the real question, how would I use each one?
Time Gem: This one I’d mostly use to bait people into hearing my jokes about “If I Could Turn Back Time,” “Time After Time,” and other time-based hits.
Space Gem: I just moved. I have never wanted a fucking wormhole so badly. If you’d set a wormhole in my living room and said, “There are infinite places in the universe and an infinitesimally small chance that your stuff will pass through here and end up in your new apartment,” I’d go for it. I’d take the risk. Moving blows, you guys.
Soul Gem: Basically, people on TV would become like a kid playing with dolls. “Look, now they’re kissing! Mmm mmm, oooh, Bernie Sanders, you’re such a good kisser!”
Reality Gem: I feel like this one is a little underused. I could change the natural laws of the universe? Now I could, for sure, meet Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Power Gem: This one’s a little vague. I think I’d end up using it to fuck with Comcast.
Mind Gem: Huh. A lot like the soul gem. Probably the most fun you could have with this would be to walk up to people and just say stuff like, “You’re buying the wrong Doritos. Your wife wants the nacho kind.” And then the person would go home, find out this is true, and wonder who that mysterious stranger with the insane, bejeweled glove was.
Aaaaand that’s pretty much why I don’t have the Infinity Gauntlet, but why I totally should. I’d only be using it for harmless pranks and to solve minor inconveniences. Selfish? Sure. But I’m not, you know, killing half the universe or whatever. I’m just killing some guy’s lawn because he was a dick to me.
Oh, also, I bet that glove smells horrible inside. It must, right? “