“This one’s been living on the ol’ kindle for a bit. I started it at some point, then left it because, well, I thought it was a little depressing. Not because it was Santa, just because a guy was…stepping out. Of his marriage. Into the vagina of a weird tooth fairy.
Then I tried it again in order to write a column about Christmas in Bizarro Land. I succeeded this time. Succeeded in finishing, that is. But it wasn’t my favorite.
The thing is, I’m not a big erotica guy. I’m not a little erotica guy. I’m not an erotica guy of any size. Could’ve saved myself some time just now by starting with that, leaving off the size distinction. So, I don’t know, maybe this is more appealing for fans of that stuff. For me it was a lot of descriptions of bangin’, which sounds fun and all, but reading about it is a little like reading a long narrative of someone telling about how they had a really fun time on a rollercoaster. I’m sure it was fun, I’m sure I’d have fun on that rollercoaster, but the written narrative doesn’t quite hit the bases for me.
There’s stuff to like here. Santa’s ejaculate turns into candy canes when it hits a Christmas tree. Don’t ask me why that happens. I’ve ejaculated a reasonable number of times in my life, and I’ve never hit, nor have I ever been danger-close to hitting, a Christmas tree. Or any holiday/religious symbol that happened to be around. There’s a graveyard battle. The Tooth Fairy is kinda horrifying, which makes sense. What kinda freak likes teeth that much?
By the way, I recently learned that there is like this weird, underground-ish market for human teeth. People will buy from dental offices and re-sell them. And they’re worth a pretty good penny! Something like $4 bucks a tooth on etsy. Which doesn’t sound like a lot, but if you got like 8 pounds of teeth in one shot (like one writer claimed), you’d be in pretty good shape. I’ve got a couple questions and ideas, untested, that I’m curious about:
1. Can you pretend they’re for a child’s science fair project? One of those “Does cola dissolve teeth?” things. Would a dentist turn them over to you?
2. I’m reading that it’s better to contact an oral surgeon, which makes sense. I’m sure they’ve got all kinds of teeth.
3. I knew a girl whose mom kept ALL her baby teeth in a little box. She shared this fact at a professional event as her “two truths and a lie” sort of thing, and it was by far the best one. To me.
4. One person recommended going to low-income neighborhoods and hitting up the dentists (and assistants) there. Morally questionable, but on the other hand, we ARE talking about the re-selling of human teeth here, which is difficult to do from a high horse.
I guess I’m telling everyone out there to save the teeth you get from extractions, your wisdom teeth, whatever. Because while $4 bucks isn’t a shitload, it’ll offset that dental bill a little bit, right? “