Today, we at Helpful Snowman are proud to present our first ever contest!
Today’s contest is somewhat of a guessing game, somewhat of a way to make me feel better about the fact that I am a scumlord.
Please take a moment to review this picture. Clear your mind, take deep breaths, and eliminate any distractions in the room. Really take a minute to fully embrace what’s going on here:
What is this? you might be asking.
What in the fuck is that!? you also, more likely, might be asking.
Well, that I can’t answer.
Here’s the story. It’s a dark tale, one filled with magic and mystics and old wizards.
So I’m in my apartment and there’s a gamey smell to the kitchen, something like old onions or a retarded child. I start looking around, smelling. The best place to start is the trash, so I take it out. The smell is worse. I then clean out the garbage disposal in the sink. Nothing. Then I start suspecting that it’s coming from the stove area, so I clean off the stovetop, and the hood above the stove, including removing the filter and washing it out in the sink. Stil nothing!
At this point I’m getting nauseous. The smell has evolved to old raw chicken. The smell is easier to pinpoint with the kitchen clean, so I start investigating the bottles of oil and bears filled with honey next to the stove when I see a plastic produce bag poking out from behind the microwave.
Pulling on it releases a blast of gas that has poisoned my body and mind. It looks like something from a sci-fi movie, one of the classics like Critters or Critters 2. Just this bulbous head with green strings coming out from it. Holding the bag gives me this disturbing feeling as though the contents are alive, which maybe they are.
I threw it out, running barefoot to the dumpster while pinching the bag with two fingers.
Here’s the thing: I have to figure out what it was for three reasons.
1. Finding that thing forced me to clean, and I’ll be goddamned if I clean without getting revenge.
2. If it was in fact alive, which I believe it was, I need to prepare for what kind of vegetable man is going to emerge from the dumpster to kill me. Was it a potato, in which case I should arm myself with a masher and butter? Was it an onion for which the best defense is a kitchen knife, butter, and mushrooms? I’m buying my first cross, either way.
3. This is my most successful attempt at growing a plant of any kind, and it would be nice to be able to say, “I grew some garlic(?) one time.”
If you think you know, please comment below. Include evidence where applicable.