Edited Titles for Kids’ Books That Would Save a Whole Lot of Reading Time

 

The Giving Tree:  the story of a tree and this greedy son of a bitch who loves(?) her.

The BFG -or- Big Things Are Not Always Bad.  Almost Always, But One Time No.

The Little Engine That Could and Did

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie He’s Going to Want a Bunch of Other Shit, So Maybe Don’t Give Him the Cookie.  But If You Must, Here is What Will Happen.

Some Dude was on Shrooms and Presents: The Little Prince.

No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed, Their Teary-Eyed Mother Said as She Watched Five Wheelchairs Containing Her Severely Brain Damaged Children Roll Out of the Back of a Van.

Green Eggs & Ham Sounds Fucking Sick, But It’s Not Bad: a Tale of Self-Discovery.