With a suit at a formal gathering. With a nice sweater and slacks ensemble at a semi-formal occasion. With dark jeans a nice shoes while
Alright guys, shit’s getting bad. Real bad. But let’s get a couple things straight in these couple minutes that we bought by pushing a piece
Dear Friends, As you may know, I will be joining an annual rafting trip on the Colorado River this weekend. In Utah. Why the Colorado
My phone has a button that says “.com” right next to the period. I would like to apologize for the following texts: “Alright. Goodnight.com” Not
No: I guess I’d better get up this morning. Yes: I guess I’d better get up this morning, pull down a box of cereal, delicately
I fell down the stairs. And into a bar fight. I was holding up a pair of binoculars to watch a bird. Then the bird
CAN: Point it in the general direction of something fairly close and make a hole. CANNOT: Carve a cross into the point of every bullet
Today, for the fifth or so time, I saw someone using a mobility scooter with someone else RIDING ON HIS LAP. Guys, not a motorcycle.
You consider it legitimate apartment-hunting practice to scatter pieces of candy around the room and wait for ants to emerge from the baseboards. Your questions
Dear Camp, I am desperately looking for a place to unload my son for a good part of the summer. This is ostensibly because I
Saw you driving the other day. In a car. I was also in a car. You gave me a meaningful look. The meaning it was
A quick playlist of some of our best stuff. Or at least some of the stuff that I bothered to make videos for. 10 minutes
Every other day, one part or another of the gym is closed. Usually because they are going to have 4 million kids destroying the premesis
Tea Kettle Creek Peppermint Hollow Shortcake Grove Walrus Cove Gingerbread Springs Tabby Beach Michael’s Craft Store Gulch
Outlaw those little blue swimming pools in high crime areas. Make those little blue swimming pools transparent on the bottom. Make those little blue swimming
Cloth Seats! REAL cloth?! Wowzers. Wherever did you find such a treasure, such a jewel of the textile industry? And to think that you used
After looking through some Urban Dictionary synonyms for vagina for yesterday’s post, I felt like I had a responsibility to point out some of these
Objective: See if you can guess whether the following words are synonyms for “vagina” or the names of Ikea products. Solution is in the comments
Dear Coffee Place, I think your place is great, and your coffee is anything but disgusting and horrible. It’s very good. Thanks for all you
It is improper to stay in the car, send your son out to the Redbox, and then demand that he shout the available titles back
Romney urges grads to honor family commitments Grads likely received message despite being so fucking wasted, bro. * Syria militants claim responsibility for blasts Bullshit,
Mom, Thanks for everything. You know that Skynyrd song “Simple Man”? Where the mom said all the stuff to the son about following his heart
How does learning water and wilderness survival techniques help you in your space training? (Savina, age 14; Nigeria) Uh, that’s a damn good question. Why
X Button “Stay where you are. I’m 100% serious. If you move, I will end you. Please just stay there.” Y Button “Kindly stop shooting
If you’ve used Twitter, you’ve been followed by pornbots. All in all, being “followed by pornbots” doesn’t sound like such a tragedy. Let’s cue the
“Aw, c’mon, buddy! What are you, blind? I mean, if you ARE blind, you were actually doing a phenomenal job up until that one call.
Pool Noodle: I’m not entirely certain that I was ever in a pool with one of these. In fact, if I ever found one while
My first year as principal, I decided that if the kids sold enough chocolate I would shave my beard. Boy was that great. They beat
Softball: Pro: Pretty sure I could play equally well drunk. Con: I look real bad in a button up shirt that is too long and
RomCom Pete: I love you. Lady: But I’m a klutzy weirdo who works at a newspaper. Pete: Listen, I know that sounds bad to you,
Things Cops Don’t Like in TV Shows Climbing the ladder. When a little kid whose parents made really bad life choices ends up hit with
Here I am, 6 hours into Mass Effect. Mass Effect is basically a gigantic sci-fi epic in video game format. There’s action, but there’s also
037: The painting hanging before you is in a rectangular shape. It is covered in paints. It represents some political event you’ve never heard of,
Because I find that I get a lot of the same questions about monocles, please read the FAQ. If this does not answer your questions,
May 1996: I’m aware of the rumors. That the mansion on the outskirts of town is haunted. If I may, I think many of us
“It’s been a little while since we saw you last.” I’m taking a pretty boss vacation in a couple weeks. I could use some cash.
Day 1: Pete survives the initial blast as he is still asleep in his subterranean apartment at 10 AM, a time at which the attackers
Someone is going to answer for this shit. If you work for a company, and it’s not a company that considers its primary function to
Welcome to your new thermos! This thermos is designed to keep hot stuff hot for 1 million hours and cold stuff cold for also 1
On the Front Porch: I saw someone doing this the other day. I heard the sound while walking past his house, and I was thinking
WRONG: If you forget chips at the store I will fucking murder you. RIGHT: If U forget chips at the store I will fucking murder
If you end up with a hole in your pocket, simply stick and entire pack of gum in the pocket and then put it through
First Level: Absolutely None Second Level: Like you were shot in the goddamn face with a shotgun packed with glitter.
-a sign for fresh cilantro -free copies of DVDs that involve any sort of bodyswap scenario, yet no nudity. -free tickets to the acoustic-guitar-playing dildo
SWMWCMH (single white male with chronic masturbating habit) SWFWNRSD (single white female with no REAL serious diseases) MMWWALSD (married man who wants a little side
With the summer olympics looming, I got to thinking. I bet every olympic athlete is waiting, just DYING waiting for the day that his or
-How loud indie music can be in polite company. -How close to the rim of a cup a hot liquid should reach. -The length of