Those of you who are local may have noticed that our Hollywood Videos are closed. This is sad because I missed my opportunity to scream about one of their policies to a 15 year-old working there. I had good options too: the weird girl who looked like the pale, short ghost of Marilyn Monroe in a hoodie, or the weird guy who could never accept that you just wanted to look and were not interested in The Boondock Saints OR Anchorman(!?).
However, they are still open around the world of the midwest, so here’s what I have to say to them:
Fuck Your Playguard.
Playguard is this great thing where they give you the opportunity to pay them a buck and then if anything is wrong with your DVD you can exchange it at no cost to you. Just so I can express how fucking insane this is, let’s have an analogy:
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s, how can I help you?”
“Yeah, I just drove through and there was no meat on my Big Mac.”
“Oh, okay. Did you buy BunGuard for 25 cents?”
“No.”
“Then Fuck You.”
The idea that you’re doing this is like going to the movie theater, the picture doesn’t run, and they tell you that it’s too fuckin’ bad.
And couldn’t they at least just pop the DVD into a player in-store? Even a goddamn dildo shop will fire up the vibrators before purchase because they know damn well they can’t take returns, a policy that originated from people like me who get horned up, buy a dildo, wear it down to a nub, then get ashamed as hell and return it in a soggy box.
So I’m glad Hollywood is closing, and I hope that all the cents spent on Playguard nationwide is just enough for the CEO of Hollywood Video to pay for the application fee for his daughter to go to Harvard, but then find out they can’t afford it so she ends up at Penn State instead, banging frat boys in a parking garage.