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Each of the stones you see here has a special meaning.  I mean, special beyond being a kind of rock.  If you think about it,

A little guesswork on how other radio shows use soundboards.  

Okay, so first I heard about the idea of growing a mustache for No Shave November, which I guess is supposed to “raise awareness of

My upstairs neighbor listens to Creed. My upstairs neighbor walks up stairs like a child, stomping on every step. My upstairs neighbor owns a vehicle

2008: Man, everything was going great, and then my wife totally blindsided me, told me she’d been fucking an entire biker gang and that she

Could you at least get some kind of special keys if you’re going to wear them outside of your pockets? And can you also fill

Age 14: The most important factor, as I see it, is Binaca.  24-50 sprays of that and you’ll be ready for any kiss, no matter

What is is:  Mints What they are called:  Legitmints Why they will make a million dollars: The tagline “Legitimints: 2 Legit 2 Quit”

What they ask when I go to Starbucks and order my reg-lee-err coffee: Would you like room for cream? My options: Option A:  Say yes.

Nicanor and Katie return to teach me to love wine.  Here is a piece of the aftermath:

Every Thanksgiving, idiots call in to the turkey hotline for turkey tips.  Please, allow me to address frequently asked turkey questions: My turkey always turns

A lot of people are busy talking shit, but it takes guts to be a chubby, mustachioed cop who looks like he does not give

Everyone at Work:  Do not give it to me. Doctor:  Despite the fact that medicine has progressed to the point that we can literally cut

WHAT I HAD YESTERDAY: 1 new message WHAT MY PHONE TOLD ME I HAD YESTERDAY: 31 new messages. HOW I FELT ABOUT THAT:  Crestfallen. WHAT

Charges: A man is convicted for beating his wife. Sentence: Uh, hmm…okay, how about this: You go to a batting cage, we turn on all

What are you doing for your birthday? What are you doing for your birthday? What are you doing for your birthday? Working, going home, trying

Teacher, Next time we do reports, can you make Ross do a report on something besides snakes?   I know this is your first time having

Those motherfuckers did it again.  No matter how many times they have to be told, somehow they cannot regulate the berry levels in this shit.

I’m really excited about this. Okay, first project.  Oh, cool, a volcano.  Wow, that’s really great, kid. Alright-y, number two.  A volcano.  You didn’t copy

Words That Constantly Have to Be Capitalized for Me By Word Processing Programs: Jesus, God, Foghorn Leghorn, NASA. Word That Constantly Has to Be De-Capitalized

(above) the ending of the Shield, which sees Vic Mackie neutered and stuck behind a desk, miserable. (below) me, every day, at work. ah, shit.

“Okay, guys.  We have to redo this whole yard.  So we need something to mark the locations of sprinkler heads, pipes, and so on.  I’m

Infection:  Tetanus is infection of the nervous system with the potentially deadly bacteria Clostridium tetani (C. tetani). Shot:  Tetanus is a shot that the doctor

Aiding in the identification of children whose parents don’t care enough to wipe their faces. Aiding in the body’s willingness to consider diabetes.

What They Say: “Would you like to start a punch card?” What I Hear: “Would you like to start a card that requires 8,000 punches

VZSSTT:  REMOVE ALL ENEMIES (from workplace) ISZKKG:  EACH TIME YOU TOUCH AN ENEMY, YOUR LIFE GOES UP ONE POINT NZVVZO: (emotional) INVINCIBILITY OVLLZK:  INVINCIBLE AGAINST

The only hope I have for you is that you put those up last year, died a horrible death, and nobody took those down because

Guy who plays “Dad” in promo photos for Bounce House web site. Guy who coordinates dates and times over the phone. Guy who works in

Foreword to the 9th Edition: Mom- Because snow and falling branches have knocked out the power at your place for the next couple days, it’s

We’re offline for a few. BRB

Hello! I’ve never done anything like this before, so “BEAR” with me (grrr!!) I decided to keep this online blog because of a bunch of

Every Halloween we have the same thing going on: People dressing sexily. I’m fine with this, to be honest.  We have Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. 

Dear the FBI, We fucking get it. Can I make a suggestion?  Can we all come to a stupid school gym, read this thing out

“I’d like to go out, but I have to go and buy an entire Tombstone pizza to eat by myself while watching an 8-episode marathon

Is it just me who feels strange and uncomfortable every time I see the newest iteration of Jason Schwartzman’s hair?

Have you seen these safety keys? The idea is that the red part attaches to the treadmill in a light way, maybe by a magnet. 

How come everyone uses 20 Minutes on the Treadmill to tell us how much exercise is in stuff? 4 minutes of sex is equivalent to

“Turn to the person on your left.  Now turn to the person on your right.  Now imagine the three of you locked in a cage

[BTW, ignore the fact that this thing is locked.  Thought the following bums me out, I consider a locked fire extinguisher cabinet to be a

-A thin cactus filled with mace. -Arsenic sprinkled on a dead mouse. -A gun with the hammer pulled back, lightly dusted with hippo dung. -An

For a little ear action, I’m going to be doing some car-casting to and from a library conference this weekend.  I may also try to

For tomorrow’s radio show, Heinzie has created another round of her patented young adult book game. If you’ve never played, the way it works is

Why It’s Awesome to Be 5 Years Behind on TV: Man, I’ve got this whole backlog of great shows!  I only have to watch the

What They Say When I Punch in My Old Home Phone Number to Use My Safeway Card: “Looks good.  Thank you, Mr. Wasson!” What They’re

Hey man, listen.  I really appreciate the interest, and also your outfit is really a good one of those.  Unfortunately, I am interested only in

Greetings Owners of Fast and Medium-Fast Food Restaurants, For a long time we have held a tenuous peace, us the thirsty customers, you the owners

Aw, good morning guys!  Wow, gifts in bed.  You shouldn’t have. Let’s see, from Jenny, my favorite little girl in the whole world…wow.  Did you

Just in case anyone doubted my complete lack of football knowledge, I’d like you all to take a second look at the “football helmet” I

Let’s see what we’ve got here… Flag Football.  I don’t know.  I don’t want my precious Dum-Dum getting hurt.  By strangers.  That’s really more of

The Perfect Analogy: My teeth are like a Coach bag: Expensive, yet of no greater quality than cheaper versions and horribly ugly.

Hello, Earlier this week dirty terrorists threatened that unless the top post on my wall (http://www.facebook.com/helpfulsnowman) reached 15 likes, there would be no show on

It was time for the face off with Dracula. I was armed with my whip, and I brought a bunch of tiny bottles of holy

I’d made it to Dracula’s castle. It wasn’t easy. First I had to put on a traditional costume.  Which looked a lot like a skirt

Every hundred years Count Dracula makes his return to the Earth Realm.  And every 100 years the Belmont clan sends its current champion to fight

Here’s a nice coupon for the circus. Now, I understand the elephant that is whipped and burned constantly to get it to do tricks. Aaand

Big announcements: In looking to expand the brand, I need some help from a graphic designer.  If you are, or if you know a graphic

See you tomorrow!

Rule #1:  My daughter does not have a curfew, per se.  However, sometimes you will feel a strong sense that I disapprove of how late

Baby battered and flash fried, sitting in giant box of fries with giant, artificial fries surrounding it. Baby folded up inside a burrito, wearing a

When I opened dad’s old cigar box and found self-taken naked Polaroids inside. At the precise moment they started lowering the casket into the ground.

Noon:  “Have you seen the new Muppets trailer?” 11 AM:  “I think I might have left my Muppets DVDs at your house.” 10 AM:  “I

Did you know that if you took every time I wrote the word “shit” on this web site, printed it out in 12 pt. font,

Oh, come on.  Is this really necessary? What the hell?  Isn’t True or False enough?  Isn’t that the whole beauty of True/False? It’s bad enough

Your Neighbors Will: Never, ever enjoy the same music. Played through the goddamn wall. Your Neighbors Will: Never click through the DVD menu in a

“Never has Matt Damon’s hair looked so much like an English teacher’s.” “You’ll laugh (at a monkey in a clear garbage bag). You’ll cry (because

“Hi.  Hi there.  Um, my mom wanted me to call because you left your really good Sega game over here yesterday.  You’re probably wondering where

[alarm] Okay, c’mon buddy.  We can do this.  Once you’ve slept the 45 seconds more before your next alarm goes off, you’ll be ready to

This last week I went to a wedding where I was exposed to a tradition.  I was not aware that any dope in the room

The time it led to a big hole covered with leaves, which I should have noticed on a city street.  But hey, dollar! The time

Does God hear the prayers of unbelievers? Unfortunately, I think we sort of have dude by the balls here.  From what I hear, he knows

Age 15:  Haha, you wish.  No, I think I’ll be pretty busy with Castelvania: Symphony of the Night, thanks. Age 18: The best tactic is

See if you can figure out at which point I started to worry for myself. Pete is walking home from the grocery store at 11:30

Did you ever play this game in school? A teacher, one of the ones who thought it was cool to experience the tedium of history

Alright, let’s kick things off.  Let’s all go around the room and everyone can name their worst romantic regret.  Don’t be afraid to get sexy,

Can we knock it off with the police dogs already? This is not 1808.  You’re driving around to stop bums from shouting at ATM’s, not

*An historical note:  William Henry Harrison (“Sick Willy”) gave an inaugural address in the cold, and weeks later caught pneumonia and died, making him the

Have you noticed that the goal of every major sport is to take a small thing and put it in a larger thing? Football: Put

I have some questions about this phone call (play below under “Play Now”), which was left on the work voicemail of a friend. 1. What

Hey friend, how are you? I am well.  And yourself? Great! Great.  Well, because we are two human men over the age of 20, we

Dear Princess, Thanks for the item.  I’m sure it will help in my journey. Not to be a dick or anything, but reality check: About