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With the summer olympics looming, I got to thinking. I bet every olympic athlete is waiting, just DYING waiting for the day that his or

-How loud indie music can be in polite company. -How close to the rim of a cup a hot liquid should reach. -The length of

If your phone does that thing where you send an email and it says “sent from my smartphone” at the bottom, I don’t care for

“Okay, so you’ve got a guy. He’s wearing no shirt and black jeans. He’s got awesome abs. He dives off of a high-tech skyscraper into

“Alright, my turn.  I’ll just slowly take my car out of park.  I really should ask someone else how they stop all the way for

Thanks for staying with us.  We hope this bedside binder will help you figure out what to do while you’re in town. Dining Lucky you,

Hey guys, wanna play some B-ball? Hey guys, wanna play hoops? Hey guys, wanna do some baskets? Hey guys, how would you feel about a

Times That NO NOT ATTEMPT Appears on the TV Screen: When a car is driving in the mountains. When someone does a stunt to prove

Things That I Was Led to Believe Caused Explosions by Movies: Photocopying a mirror. Spraying soda into an electronic keycard reader. The existence of gas

Purple:  Illuminated alongside the red light to indicate that the light JUST changed and you ARE going to be late for work. Orange:  The purpose

Well, not to be disrespectful of the previous leaders.  I’m sure they were a fine bunch of evil queens and disenfranchised princes, but this place

1.  No smoking in the fountain. 2. Even in an astronaut bubblehead thing that would make it possible. 3. No wearing underwear under your bathing

The Little Mermaid Theme:  Sometimes you have to risk it all for what you really want. Takeaway:  Two shells with no visible means of support

Applause-o-Meter Pro: Crowd Participation Con: Emperor sick and tired of aqueduct-powered devices.  Always with the goddamn aqueducts.   Coin Toss Pro:  Emperor not TOTALLY to

Ah, a well-placed Batarang should crack that liquid nitrogen pipe and put Mr. Freeze…on ice! Shit, not in that belt pouch.  Check the other pouch

“Well, I like when I come back from the bathroom and the food is there.  So I figured that if I drink a lot, I’ll

-So you’re ready to start yelling at kids for money instead of just for fun. -Jumping Jacks:  What are they? -Jumping Jacks:  Why are they?

Just a quick little change around here, we’re going to do a little re-formatting. No, that’s not like updating the shit Facebook app on my

Publication of a book of top Kickstarter contributors, including names, addresses, and potential blackmail topics. A sterilizing lamp to use on the needles that are

Scenario: You wake up in the hospital after a traumatic head injury that has caused serious memory loss. I, your loyal friend, am there to

-Outside of Build-a-Bear -Dated and bagged inside your father’s freezer. -Inside the little door on Day 1 of an advent calendar. -Stuck to your sock

There’s a farmer who has 6 cows, 4 brown and 2 white.  While he’s working in the fields he finds a scrap of paper on

What are your standards for the difference between scratch paper and garbage? Because a lot of people don’t seem to have standards in place regarding

I wanted to let you know that I find the Recycle Bin idea very lame.  It was cute for a time, and I suppose it’s

Instead of: “No fucking way, I am not going to the art museum.” Say: “I want to be adult about this, so I’ll give you

Because it has been far too long of me sleeping in the same bed, and because nobody should sleep in the same bed he slept

Boy, you know what I would really like to see?  Another painting of a bowl of fucking fruit. I don’t even get excited by a

I am the Michael Jordan of putting on my sweats backwards and pinching my crotch. I am the Michael Jordan of growing spiders under a

-Huge gorilla dressed in red bow tie, trained to deliver box of chocolates while rollerskating. -Huge man with sawed-off shotgun and rollerBLADES who will be

“Welcome to McDonald’s, would you like to try our most bizarre sandwich offering?” “Thanks for choosing Burger King.  What would you say to a food

Scenario: You are going to an all-white office party (not because others are excluded, but because that happens to be the makeup of your office).

Tonight I’ll be recording tomorrow’s show based on a behind-the-scenes look at Pete’s Unsent Love Letters. If you have any questions about them or things

Who knew this whole thing would turn into such a political fiasco? Okay, in hindsight, I can admit that part of this is probably my

No more being the captured, helpless princess for me! This time I’m part of the team, baby! If you’re ever a princess who is making

What a strange, strange couple of days it’s been.   Being captured by a dinosaur was bad enough.  Then I heard someone was coming to

I was pretty lucky to have my girlfriend use chalk paint on my car to ask me to homecoming. Haha, sure, some people gave me

What’s up, guys!? You know, they call it Colorful Colorado, but I really think we could Colorado has many exciting Colorado has its fair share

The last couple times I stayed at a hotel, there was a sign on the door asking me to use my towel more than once

I, for example, spell freedom by coming in the door, throwing my jacket on the ground, busting out my smartphone, and singing the theme song

“The only one who can stop those nuclear codes from falling into enemy hands is Fancy.  Fancy, don’t let me down.” “This patient is beyond

“Would it be that weird instead of picking music if we listened to our individual iPods?” “I’m really tired.  Would it bother you if I

“She plays volleyball.” Does that whole thing where they aggressively call things translate to other parts of life?  If I offer to help with chores,

Cy-Kill Kurupt Fitor Papoose Cop-Tur Hot Rod Hans-Cuff Nutrageous Crain Brain Great White Snoop Niggarachi Major Mo stic.man Small Foot   Answer (white font, highlight

Have you been to a jail before?  Okay, I’m thinking Jail, but much, much worse.  Like the kind of jail an evil Count would design.

Couple’a Assholes at a Tall Table Let’s Look at My Hair!  In the Morning! Didja Hear it Loud Hour? Have We Got Some Shit for

I read a book and was disappointed.  Surprise! I read some comics.  And I wasn’t disappointed in the least.  Also Surprise!, but in a less

I know, it’s far away.  But I got excited.  Sue me. Also, visit bumwine.com if this is a topic of interest for you.

Music:  Creating ringtones that are somewhat less abrasive.  Or more abrasive, depending on whether we’re talking about a Boost Mobile user. Mathematics:  Designing price structure

I will never forgive my dad for using the word “poo-poo” in the context of, “I have to go”. What the fuck, man?

After seeing some pretty egregious comments on a number of videos, due to the story they did on 60 Minutes about this very topic which

Top 10 Breakdowns in Public Top 10 Subway Sandwiches Eaten in My Car, in the Parking Lot, at My Work. Top 10 Disappointments (media category)

Would “You know what, I gotta be honest right now.  I’m really bad at sex” work as a blowoff line at a party?  If I

Teri Hatcher:  To be Eva Longoria. Felicity Huffman:  To be Eva Longoria. Marcia Cross:  To be Eva Longoria. Eva Longoria:  To be Eva Longoria for

Times I Think You Should Not Settle for Less: -When it comes to picking a spouse. -While picking out a motorcycle helmet. -Prescription lenses.  

Can we stop with this already? What is it going to take? Will it take a promise from every American that if a blind dude

Stop using the word Amazing.  Especially when it’s said like, “Uhhh-maaayy-zing.” Enough. Here are some things that I’ve heard referred to as amazing: -Sandwiches:  These

At First Bank of Firsts, we really don’t care about you.  We’re not going to pretend, and we’re not going to wear blazers like we

  Enjoy tomorrow’s show.

A second saxaphone riff. A less literal video. For these strangers to quit poking around in her shit while she’s trying to have a baby.

Ways in Which My Car is Similar to a Concert Venue: -Has music -Has been vomited in -Drinking in it can be extremely costly -4

Alternate Versions of This Great Clips Wall Sign Which Reads:  “Relax. You’re At Great Clips.” “Relax.  You’re at Great Clips.  There’s Nothing You Can Do

So, so much stuff is available to you on the webs! I know you want to read about the worst comic book I’ve ever read.

Okay, it happens every year.  New Year’s rolls around and we face the same problems.  What am I going to do on this Night of

Chuck Norris is so hard to face that he didn’t meet his illegitimate daughter until she was 26. When Chuck Norris writes a column entitled

Noon:  Dad buys video game for kids. 1 PM:  Kids play video game. 2 PM: Gameplay goes something like this: 6 PM:  Nightly news 6:08

After a couple glasses of disgusting wine she showed me the Legends of her Hidden Temple. What can I say?  She Double Dare’d me, and

Come along with me as I critique our local holiday lights!

Nice work pulling up to the ATM. I hope it was so damn cold while I was waiting there.  And I hope you were very

What the fuck? Do you have one Deep Rock client who lives in a suburban apartment?  Seriously, don’t you think that if I could afford

I just heard this again today.  When describing a woman’s ass as nice, can we stop saying “She has an ass like a 10 year-old

Last night I spent 2 hours watching finishing moves from Mortal Kombat. When I was 10, I was obsessed with seeing these things.  I never

Definition of “Irish Exit” from urbandictionary.com: More specifically, the irish exit refers to the departure from any event without telling any friends, associates or acquaintances

Oh, the cars we grew up with…

Lots of awesome stuff going on in the H.S. universe these days. Did you catch my post about what made Oregon Trail so great?  Including

Sitting at a stoplight, I suddenly realize that the person in the car next to me has visual evidence that I’m talking to myself.

Why does anyone give a shit if there’s a bigfoot? Does anyone who is ingesting Pop Rocks and soda as a snack DESERVE to live?