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Good Evening, It has come to my attention that there are those out there who feel that futons are appropriate items.  Below are a few

I’m a little confused about the Olympics.  Actually, I’m a lot confused about the Olympics, but I’m breaking it up into smaller chunks to better

-Your ears have a very odd shape.  Especially the hole part.  That is all wrong, which is why we do not stay in. -Your torso

-Some sort of really awful spider that uses a trap door and keeps its victims alive for an inordinately long amount of time. -The biography

1 Junior Mint: Wow, what a delicious treat.  Thanks! 2 Junior Mints: These are really good.  Waxy, but good waxy. 3 Junior Mints: I’m becoming

Pro: Because skin is composed of small bits of tissue, damaged skin is easily replaced. Con: Damaged skin is replaced with corpse skin.   Pro:

1.  Oftentimes in literature it is said that the length of a section has a lot to do with how important the author finds the

After getting a decent forearm sunburn that made me look like some kind of lobster man, or maybe a regular man with very embarrassed forearms,

I am not a man of stone.  I have concern for other people.  So if someone is suffering from a medical problem, I am happy

I’m confused about this thing where people go running through banners.  This might be related to the fact that my sports knowledge lacks depth.  ANY

Banging a battery-powered nose hair trimmer against the bathroom counter until it fired up.

Thanks for coming to our craft day!  This should be a TON of fun. Over here we’ve got paper, crappy scissors that couldn’t even cut

Unattended Children will be given a room temperature glass of water and a long discussion about heartbreak. Unattended children will be given a pep talk

1. I like this game. 2. I like this game. 3. I fucking hate this game.

Monday Morning: Oh, crap.  I don’t have anything to eat.  Okay, tonight I’ll go to the grocery store, for sure.  Right after work, straight to

-It’s perfectly safe to drink out of a can or bottle after a bottle rocket has been launched from it.  It tastes horrible, but you’re

Hi Kathy, I was trying to think of something to start this off with.  Something that might soften the blow here.  When I was young,

Hi There! So here’s the thing, you only gave me one line to put emergecny contact info.  That’s just not enough.  I don’t know how

“Do you think there’s a roof leak, or are we looking at an overfull drip tray when we’ve got just the right conditions for condensation

Dog Food- I don’t care to imagine that they’re dog food pieces.  That would be sad.  To imagine Pac-Man is running through a maze and

Welcome! If you’re reading this, you are one of our newest employees.  Hopefully you are wearing your gigantic, un-ironed button-up shirt that makes it look

As many of you know, I try to be fairly polite when the situation calls for it. Like when meeting new people, or meeting their

Today is my brother’s birthday. One of the greatest moments in comedy that I can remember is from a time I was with my brother. 

Congratulations on purchasing this tent.  What an exciting day for all of us.  Hopefully you have many years of camping joy ahead of you with

Age 5:  A bone happens in my peep. Age 10: It feels like my peen is full of pee.  Like a pee balloon.  But nice

Dear Pete, Below you will find sample copy and a list of cookies for which we need descriptions.  Please write a brief introduction to each

With a suit at a formal gathering. With a nice sweater and slacks ensemble at a semi-formal occasion. With dark jeans a nice shoes while

Alright guys, shit’s getting bad.  Real bad.  But let’s get a couple things straight in these couple minutes that we bought by pushing a piece

Dear Friends, As you may know, I will be joining an annual rafting trip on the Colorado River this weekend.  In Utah.  Why the Colorado

My phone has a button that says “.com” right next to the period.  I would like to apologize for the following texts: “Alright.  Goodnight.com”  Not

No: I guess I’d better get up this morning. Yes:  I guess I’d better get up this morning, pull down a box of cereal, delicately

I fell down the stairs.  And into a bar fight. I was holding up a pair of binoculars to watch a bird.  Then the bird

CAN:  Point it in the general direction of something fairly close and make a hole. CANNOT: Carve a cross into the point of every bullet

Today, for the fifth or so time, I saw someone using a mobility scooter with someone else RIDING ON HIS LAP.  Guys, not a motorcycle. 

You consider it legitimate apartment-hunting practice to scatter pieces of candy around the room and wait for ants to emerge from the baseboards. Your questions

Dear Camp, I am desperately looking for a place to unload my son for a good part of the summer.  This is ostensibly because I

Saw you driving the other day.  In a car.  I was also in a car.  You gave me a meaningful look.  The meaning it was

A quick playlist of some of our best stuff.  Or at least some of the stuff that I bothered to make videos for.  10 minutes

Every other day, one part or another of the gym is closed.  Usually because they are going to have 4 million kids destroying the premesis

Tea Kettle Creek Peppermint Hollow Shortcake Grove Walrus Cove Gingerbread Springs Tabby Beach Michael’s Craft Store Gulch  

Outlaw those little blue swimming pools in high crime areas. Make those little blue swimming pools transparent on the bottom. Make those little blue swimming

Cloth Seats! REAL cloth?!  Wowzers.  Wherever did you find such a treasure, such a jewel of the textile industry?  And to think that you used

After looking through some Urban Dictionary synonyms for vagina for yesterday’s post, I felt like I had a responsibility to point out some of these

Objective:  See if you can guess whether the following words are synonyms for “vagina” or the names of Ikea products.  Solution is in the comments

Dear Coffee Place, I think your place is great, and your coffee is anything but disgusting and horrible.  It’s very good. Thanks for all you

It is improper to stay in the car, send your son out to the Redbox, and then demand that he shout the available titles back

Romney urges grads to honor family commitments Grads likely received message despite being so fucking wasted, bro. * Syria militants claim responsibility for blasts Bullshit,

Mom, Thanks for everything.  You know that Skynyrd song “Simple Man”?  Where the mom said all the stuff to the son about following his heart

Phone Tree Inclement Weather

How does learning water and wilderness survival techniques help you in your space training? (Savina, age 14; Nigeria) Uh, that’s a damn good question.  Why

X Button “Stay where you are.  I’m 100% serious.  If you move, I will end you.  Please just stay there.” Y Button “Kindly stop shooting

If you’ve used Twitter, you’ve been followed by pornbots.  All in all, being “followed by pornbots” doesn’t sound like such a  tragedy.  Let’s cue the

“Aw, c’mon, buddy!  What are you, blind?  I mean, if you ARE blind, you were actually doing a phenomenal job up until that one call. 

Pool Noodle: I’m not entirely certain that I was ever in a pool with one of these.  In fact, if I ever found one while

My first year as principal, I decided that if the kids sold enough chocolate I would shave my beard.  Boy was that great.  They beat

Softball: Pro:  Pretty sure I could play equally well drunk. Con:  I look real bad in a button up shirt that is too long and

RomCom Pete: I love you. Lady: But I’m a klutzy weirdo who works at a newspaper. Pete:  Listen, I know that sounds bad to you,

Things Cops Don’t Like in TV Shows Climbing the ladder. When a little kid whose parents made really bad life choices ends up hit with

037: The painting hanging before you is in a rectangular shape.  It is covered in paints.  It represents some political event you’ve never heard of,

Because I find that I get a lot of the same questions about monocles, please read the FAQ.  If this does not answer your questions,

May 1996: I’m aware of the rumors.  That the mansion on the outskirts of town is haunted.  If I may, I think many of us

“It’s been a little while since we saw you last.” I’m taking a pretty boss vacation in a couple weeks.  I could use some cash. 

Day 1:  Pete survives the initial blast as he is still asleep in his subterranean apartment at 10 AM, a time at which the attackers

Someone is going to answer for this shit. If you work for a company, and it’s not a company that considers its primary function to

Welcome to your new thermos! This thermos is designed to keep hot stuff hot for 1 million hours and cold stuff cold for also 1

On the Front Porch: I saw someone doing this the other day.  I heard the sound while walking past his house, and I was thinking

WRONG: If you forget chips at the store I will fucking murder you. RIGHT: If U forget chips at the store I will fucking murder

If you end up with a hole in your pocket, simply stick and entire pack of gum in the pocket and then put it through

First Level: Absolutely None Second Level: Like you were shot in the goddamn face with a shotgun packed with glitter.  

-a sign for fresh cilantro -free copies of DVDs that involve any sort of bodyswap scenario, yet no nudity. -free tickets to the acoustic-guitar-playing dildo

SWMWCMH (single white male with chronic masturbating habit) SWFWNRSD (single white female with no REAL serious diseases) MMWWALSD (married man who wants a little side