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Bill breathed deeply through his cigar. The cherry glowed, and then he spun, jabbed the lit end into another bad guy’s eye, and then turned

Before Billy even knew what was going on, he was flung through a dimensional portal and tossed around all over the place. Kind of like

Billy’s last concern was fighting monsters from the company Red Falcon(?) For right now, it was all Billy could do to get through high school.

After yesterday’s complaints about the Castlevania II World of Power book, I thought I’d try my hand at it. Maybe it’s not as easy as

I decided to try a first-ever Kickstarter project to see whether or not this kind of thing will fly. The project is pretty simple. How

Guys, thanks for having me. I have some good proposals. Here we go. Okay, number one. Big Johnson Billiards: A Huge throbbing dick. Uh. Not

Another shitty figure from my youth. Notice how on the packaging, the manufacturers chose to put quotes around “Talks.” Because when they heard this goddamn

First entry, IG-88. Who the fuck is IG-88? Well, he’s a robot bounty hunter who’s in Star Wars for about three seconds. I think George

XJKHKFLSL Find stupid goddamn missing Game Genie manual.   JKFHDICHL Stop wondering what happened to Mega Man’s hand.   KJGUUUSJF Brother leaves to bathroom and

I was playing Zelda: Minish Cap when I came upon a little side quest involving returning library books to a library. Yeah. Pretty exciting. As

…allergies that prevent me from traveling on an airline. So I really hope you are close-by.   …accounting credentials. So while I can’t come and

If you remember this. Remember looking at the wires and shit inside and thinking, “Why? Why can’t it just ring? I don’t even care if

Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you sure? That shitty one? Listen, man. We’re talking about the holy grail here. I see where you’re going. Humble. I

-Little Free Libraries are small collections of books set out for public borrowing. -Little Free Libraries should be filled with relevant, current materials that will

The problem when your balls really hurt, you have to tell your boss you’re going to the doctor tomorrow, but you don’t want to tell

1. Katy Perry doesn’t talk with an English accent. 2. I don’t think she’ll say “cunt” on live TV. 3. No, I don’t think she’ll

Picker: Well, old timer. What do you have in that barn that might interest us? Farmer: I mean, horses. Horse stables. Hay. Horse manure. Picker:

Lapsed Integrity Budding Trollopism Broom Closet Rendevous Hostile Twerk Environment Acid Butthole Cheeky Nonsense Gobbledigook II TAPthatASSTESTRY Perfect Dark The Novelization The Nail Polish Smoky

James? Ah, James Bond, good to meet you. Have a seat, please. James, I don’t fuck around. Which is more than I can say for

Alright. January 1st. Ring in the new year with a classic, guy on top thing. January 2nd. Let’s change it up. Lady on top. January

1. Tell us about your dog’s plans for his visit to the Los Angeles area. 2. Have you considered the rewards and simplicity of a

Today is a level 1. That means you can expect a lot of old-timers to comment on the weather. Best responses include “Well, we need

It’s been snowy in Colorado, and I have something important to report beyond the weather. The other night I’m driving in some pretty crap conditions.

Today I received a Christmas card. From my friends and their dogs. I didn’t really think it through before, but my friends’ dogs, their last

Okay, today was pretty light. I briefly viewed a Santa. In preparation for playing Santa myself this Friday. Somehow I decided that my main problem

Today I subscribed to a winter wonderland twitter bot. It automatically generates a new winter scene a few times a day. I hate Christmas, but

Yesterday I did this icebreaker thing. You know, one of those games where you have to answer a question about time travel or philosophy, or

Today, I received an early gift. My girlfriend and I went shopping for stockings. To hang on the chimney with care. Which is a problem

Drew this. And it’s an omen of things to come. Get ready.

‘Tis the season for giving. What’s with this ‘Tis business anyway? Is it that much harder to say than it’s? It’s more Shakespeare-y, but that’s

I bought an ugly sweater. An ugly Christmas sweater. With a hood! I don’t know if the ugly sweater thing is done. It seems like

Another video game? I thought yesterday was video game day! You though right, voice from the internet. And what you’re learning now is that EVERY

This is a game that happened. And today, it happened for me. Well, it’s not great. It’s not super fun. And honestly, I have no

A simple one today. Does anyone do winter better than Calvin & Hobbes? All I had to do was read a Christmas comic. And yes,

Today was work decoration day. I had a boss in the past who made a lot of mistakes with this. Basically, here was her decoration

Popped open these bad boys. See what I did there? With the pop word? How would I rate Pop Rocks Candy Cane? Concept: Sure. Yes.

In the continuing saga where I try not to be a Grinch, today I was a Secret Santa. Or a Reddit Secret Santa, anyway. Here’s

I put up a Christmas decoration. Which doesn’t sound like a big deal, which is why it kind of is. It’s on the outside of

It’s December. And I hate December. It’s hard to hate Christmas because lots of people make it hard on you. If you hate St. Patrick’s

It only takes a lone fire starter to burn down the world.

Step 1: Awe and wonder. Step 2: Familiarity and joy. Step 3: Frustration, re-treading. Step 4: Well, I guess I’ll just put a bomb next

January: New Year, New You. That phrase written in marker across my penis, which is photographed very close up. February: Me, topless, presenting a woman

Oh, okay. Yes, money in bags. Gotcha. Um. What kind of bags? Well, you know. Some people are picky about bags and stuff. Like they

Staple Loader, Stapler, Staple Remover. Singer, Songwriter, Actor, mostly in the role of  myself pretending  my singing/songwriting isn’t awful. Twix Buyer, Twix Eater, Twix Regretter.

http://www.nailedmagazine.com/fiction/worry-warts-by-peter-derk/

Howdy, Lately I’ve been really thinking about leaving the Facebooks. The reason isn’t anyone’s fault. No one specific, anyway. Here’s a weakness I’ll admit about

People see me and think I’m cute, and I think they underestimate me a lot. But beneath the surface, I’m like a [insert name of

It’s been awhile, but I think Helpful Snowman is back on track. Things have been busy, and they’ll stay busy. What have we been up

As many of you know, I’ve been presented with a prestigious honor. I’ll be keeping a diary of my exploits as one of the greatest

Well. Okay. A blowjob is like… When a mommy and daddy love each other very much they do certain things. Or also, sometimes a mommy

The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw

I feel like bros are really good at coming up with different words to explain how they’re having a lot of sex. Like instead of

Please, be seated. I don’t know if you’re usually seated. If usually you’re standing, then take a seat because hey, I think things are already

I’m here to tell you a secret. Golf is pretty fucking fun. Now, before you get all uppity about how your idea and my idea

The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw

The plan is to improve myself by going through this book of 52 ways to improve myself. I’ll probably half-ass some of it and screw

1. They are not funny jokes. 2. Nobody watches Under The Dome. 3. There is nothing funny about being stuck inside a mysterious dome.