Notes on Chili Recipe

Hey Dr. BBQ!

I just wanted to start by thanking you for your Tailgate Chili Recipe. Not only does it make a great chili, but it makes a ton of it. Even though I eat through it myself over a long period, and even though the quantity really contributes to my feelings of loneliness, the chili is good enough to justify the whole emotional rollercoaster. Plus, it smells great, and that probably makes the other people in my apartment building super jealous while they’re eating a Hungry Man steak or whatever.

I did have some notes for revision. The recipe is older, so I understand it’s of a different time, but I wanted to take a moment and give some revision requests. It’s 2017, you monster.

Revision: Chili Powder

I wondered if there might be another product we could use? The thing is, I picked up 2 chili powders, and both have sombreros on them. I figured those were straight-up racist and did not purchase. Then I saw one with a little design with a cute owl on it. Pretty sure slapping a cute owl on something is a sure sign that another culture is being co-opted.

Revision: “Reducing”

I don’t care for the language that calls for me to “reduce” the chili. Being reductive is one of the most harmful things we can do to an individual or a people, and I think the last thing we need to be reminded of is that, thank you. I did as you said and yelled things at the chili that I’m not proud of. I don’t see how this improves the flavor.

Revision: Cumin

Can we change the name of this? I don’t think food items need to have the word “cum” in them, especially when “cum” comprises 3/5 of the entire word. My suggestion would be “That One Spice That Immediately Makes You Think Of Tacos, The Name Of Which Used To Be Grosser.”

Revision: Tailgate

Would like you to call this something other than Tailgate chili. Tailgating is something usually done before football games, and as you know, football is in crisis. Between the head injuries, constant player misbehavior, and unfair treatment of players who take political stances, tailgating is a more politically charged activity than ever. Please revise this to other generic word that really has no meaning such as “homestyle” (as opposed to what, housestyle?), “Big Pot” (like I give a shit what vessel was used. You hear me “plank salmon” people?), or “Scrumdidlyumptious” (a word that’s underlined in red right now. What a stupid concept, that there’s a correct way to spell that word).