Your Guide To Safe Eclipse Viewing: 9 Crucial Tips

There’s a lot of concern about viewing Monday’s eclipse. But don’t worry, there are plenty of safe, fun ways to get in on the fun. Just follow these tips and you’ll be fine!

1. While viewing the eclipse, don’t forget to close your mouth. A bunch of people will be taking pictures, and you don’t want to look like a dipshit.

2. We at DO NOT recommend making and using a pinhole viewer. This clearly outs you as a total dork and potential target for Eclipse Bullying.

3. If someone gives you eclipse glasses, and then tells you to test them and says, “You should be able to see nothing but the sun, and you might also feel a tightness in your butt muscles,” then you should make sure that this individual hasn’t just blindfolded you in order to touch your butt.

4. It’s a little known fact that The Purge is based on Eclipse Law, which doesn’t allow for you to do ANYTHING, but does provide for drinking in the middle of the day and pushing down nerds who are too busy staring at the eclipse to defend themselves.

5. For safety, please refrain from tweeting jokes that somehow relate the eclipse to Donald Trump. The eclipse is a celestial event that has been pre-set by various orbits for a longer time than you could possibly imagine. Donald Trump is an a-hole who was voted President because we’re crazy. Point being, not everything is about Donald Trump, and I can hear the ligaments tearing from here because you’re stretching so far to make them yuk-em-ups.

6. Please pay for and download “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” as opposed to streaming it during the eclipse. Bonnie Tyler could use the cash, internet is going to be slow as fuck, and you should already own that song and have it in regular rotation, you monster. The eclipse is no excuse for poor taste in music.

7. Don’t post your eclipse pictures online. This is not physically dangerous but clearly a waste of time. And I will be forced to comment “Wat dis?” on every single one.

8. I read that pets should not be allowed outside during the eclipse in case they stare at the sun. Total agreement. This is also why I recommend you keep your pets indoors when it’s raining so that they don’t stare open-mouthed at the sky and drown.

9. If you’re going to be on the road, make sure you pack the essentials. Food, water, and a hose long enough to go from the exhaust pipe of your car and into the passenger side window just in case you get in a traffic snarl from hell. Lots of people will make the mistake of getting a hose that’s too short or overly long. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, I always say, and planning, in this case, means testing your hose length.