Every year I participate in a little event called Beardwatch. Like most of my big social events, I’m the only participant. Also like most of my events, it occurs in my apartment with me doing absolutely nothing.
Beardwatch is a yearly test to see if I can actually grow a full beard. So far, 1983-2012, Beardwatch has returned results that could best be described as inconclusive and pubey. At worst, inconclusive and ultra-pubey.
I’m happy to report that 2013 has produced results that are mild beardage with minimal pubeyness. I mean, as un-pubey as a beard gets.
Possibilities for facial hair include the soul patch and the goatee. However, it is the opinion of this researcher that those beards are silly, and also that one should grow a full beard and carve those beards FROM the full beard as opposed to growing them in that way.
Especially the soul patch. I can’t figure out how that even happened other than someone missing a huge spot while shaving and then trying to pretend it was on purpose. Sort of like when you slip on the ice and your body tries to sort of recover before you’re even done falling.
Until 2014 it looks like Pete will remain beardless, much like my proud people, the native people of this land, except in cases of deep sadness or just feeling very upset that he has to buy goddamn razors again. Mach 5 my ass. More like Mock 5.
Okay, that’ll do it.