Marathon Journey: Day 7

Today was my first long run. 1 hour.

Which seemed especially long when I thought about it being a quarter of the total race in all likelihood.

I started wondering if I should be thinking about a goal time. I really don’t think so. Goals are kind of, you know for work and nonsense like that. I really don’t believe goals have any place when it comes to the things you enjoy.

It’s been a long time since I raced. Maybe looking at some celebrities would be helpful…

Two disturbing things happened when I looked for celebrity marathon times. First, the definition of “celebrity” seems to be pretty broad as Wikipedia is concerned. My cat is a celebrity in the house, but I don’t know if I’d call her “a celebrity.”

Second, an article came up almost right away, “The 20 Worst Celebrity Marathon Finish Times.” I’m not one to often think or talk about how hard it must be to be a celeb, but that kinda blows. You go out, run 26.2 miles, and then a bunch of assholes are making fun of you because you didn’t, I dunno, win? Seems like a low blow to me.

I looked through some celebs on the Wikipedia page, trying to find someone I thought would be good to compare to.

Al Roker: 7:09:44

Okay, that’s a long-ass time to be running. I almost have to give it to him. I think it would be harder to keep going for 7 fucking hours than it would be to finish. Also, doesn’t really provide a great goal time. I feel like Al Roker is almost more famous for losing a shitload of weight at this point, and beating him seems like a hollow victory.

Alicia Keys: 5:50:52

Also an awful long time to be running a marathon. Maybe she Kept On Fallin’. Eh? Get it? Because, you know, she’s…the song.

Pamela Anderson: 5:41:03

I wasn’t going to make fun of Alicia Keys, but then I saw Pamela Anderson’s time. It was faster! And that’s with carrying a couple camelbacks up front. I wonder if anyone has ever been lost in the desert and had breast implants and decided to try and crack one open. Maybe they could be filled with Gatorade for emergencies. That way you could alter your appearance AND be prepared for any problem.

Chris Evans: 4:41:06

Well, well, well. Maybe beating Captain America is a good start. So smug with his ripped body and cool hair and generally seeming like a good person.

Drew Carey: 4:37:11

Again, formerly fat maniac. Formerly fat, that is. I think he might still be a maniac. I heard somewhere he had skin tags on his ass. We may have similar ass afflictions. Maybe he’s a good role model for me.

Sarah Palin: 3:59:36

I wonder if she did this for the express purpose of providing a photo op that the Enquirer could use with a headline like, “Palin has weeks to live!” Hm. That reminds me, maybe I should get a photo at the end for an author photo. Maybe someone would buy my book if they were like, “This boy clearly doesn’t have much time left. Brave soul.”

Ben Gibbard: 3:56:34

An indie band frontman might make for a good comparison. I feel like we’re probably similarly soft and not sports-oriented.

Kerri Strug: 3:56:06

The big advantage here is beating an Olympian. Okay, she wasn’t a runner. And in fact was most famous for injuring her leg. But sometimes you don’t have to tell everyone everything. Just make with the parts where you sound like a hero.

Peter Weller: 3:51:26

Found it. His name is Peter, and he was Robocop. What else do you need?

“Nice running, son. What’s your name?”