Paris Climate Agreement For YOU!

I know, we’re all very disappointed that our great nation is not part of the Paris Climate Thingy. Assuming you’re reading this from America. If you’re reading this from somewhere else, I guess welcome(?) I don’t know why Americans read things on this site, so it seems even more bizarre that someone who isn’t American would.

On the plus, I think there’s a lot we can do to affect the climate as individuals. Hey, maybe it’s time we took this out of the hands of lawmakers and started doing it ourselves. DIY. Or maybe DIO? Yes, DIO! Like Ronnie James! We can be the rainbows in the dark, making the climate awesome again (or slowing the rate of shitification, as scientists put it).

What Can I Do?

You might be asking yourself this question.

I’ve found, through a simple set of rules, ways we can help the environment.

You’ll notice that all the rules have a rhyme. That’s how you know they’re scientifically sound.

1. If It’s Brown, It Hangs Around!

We’re all familiar with the “Yellow/let it mellow” method of saving water. Well, maybe it’s time we up our game.

2. If The Stool Is Juice, Cut It Loose!

Okay, we’re not flushing every time we take a crap. But diarrhea has to go. Let’s not be monsters.

3. Two Ply? Wipe With Both Sides!

There’s no sense to only using one side of the toilet paper. You’re washing your hands after you take a crap, right? Let’s stop being wasteful, even if it means we stop being tasteful. That’s TWO rhymes in the one thing. Now we’re really cookin’.

4. Crap In Your Pants, Then The Shake It Off Dance

It’s simple. Maybe instead of using all these resources, we can just shit ourselves and then dance that log right down the legs of our pants. We can even listen to the Taylor Swift song. I’ve sent an email to her through an instagram comment, asking her to alter the lyrics to promote this. I haven’t heard a response yet, and I assume that’s because she’s hard at work changing the lyrics as we speak.


That’s all I’ve got so far. Let’s face it, I don’t have as many ideas as Paris, okay? I’m not that smart. I don’t even know how to pronounce the name of that river they have that they love so much. At least, I think I’m doing it wrong. Every time I say it everyone laughs.

The point being, we can all do our part. Fart. There’s something about part/fart that I haven’t figured out all the way. I’ll let you know.