Backstories of the New Kens

He hates that he looks like Elvis because he feels Elvis is an overrated musician and underrated misogynist. He wears unneeded glasses in hopes of looking more like Rivers Cuomo, but nobody ever tell him that he’s succeeded. Also, he’s nervous that Cuomo is also a misogynist, but he’s made sure to never look into it because it would collapse a large chunk of his cred to have to dislike Pinkerton, which is the Weezer album he claims to love the most, even if his iTunes playcounts would say otherwise.

Between the man bun and the shirt, I can only assume this is a time traveling Ken who, using the best available technology, guessed that this would be how young men appointed themselves in the faraway year 2017. While not horrifically off base, he’s still pretty nervous he’s gonna get found out.

He’s always been fascinated by the U.S. Mail, and though he dreamed of being a letter carrier, his friends, family and colleagues always told him that was a silly dream and he was capable of so much more. However, at this stage in life, Ken is deeply concerned that living up to one’s maximum occupational potential may not provide any degree of happiness, and every day he walks past the library and considers checking out a civil service exam prep book.

This Ken is secretly ashamed because although everything about his personality suggests he would love brunch, and although all of his friends are constantly inviting him to brunches, he’s never eaten a brunch he actually enjoys. Even though the same food and the same company would be pleasing in any other situation, he fucking hates brunch.

This Ken is mere days away from learning the important lesson that it’s less about the wardrobe and more about the confidence with which it’s displayed.

Growing up in the 90’s, this Ken’s fondest moments come after he was told he was too short to play basketball, and his mom found a recording of the 1986 slam dunk championship when Spud Webb (5’7″) won, wowing the crowd. After his mom passed, he promised to watch that tape every year on her birthday. Instead, he watches the youtube highlights.

Once heard an attractive woman say, “You could bounce a quarter off that man bun” and does not know how to feel about it to this day. He’s been really surprised how much of his life has been determined by his hairstyle choice, and in the deepest parts of himself he’d like nothing more than to be rid of it, but the truth is that, at this point, he feels like he’d then be fielding constant questions about his decision to move away from the bun. Also, he fears the inevitable comments from friends along the lines of, “I’m so glad you got rid of it.” He’s certain he might burst into tears, and his friendships just aren’t those kinds of friendships.

There are no eyes behind those glasses. Just two tiny mouths. But they can see. Oh the things they could show you.

This Ken is from an alternate universe where Joss Whedon made Saved By The Bell, and in one episode all the main cast members were replaced by dolls. This had something to do with a fight Whedon had with the network, the details of which no one can remember.

This Ken started life after a drunken doll designer bet an even drunker doll designer that he could make a Ken that looked like Beavis and no one would know.

You’re probably wondering what’s up with the camo pants. The truth is they’re loaners. Last night he was at a Art Museum After Dark thing, and he got a little too drunk, started dancing near the DJ booth, by himself, and had to bid a hasty retreat after he vomited on his short plaid shorts.