Review: Earth’s Biggest Fan:

Earth's Biggest Fan:
Earth’s Biggest Fan: by John Swartzwelder
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

These books are so fucking funny. There’s no reason to not read them. This one’s a great starter if you’re unfamiliar. It’s short, and it’s sweet.

I wrote a whole column about John Swartzwelder, and it’s here:…

Read it at your own risk. I don’t know what risk that would be. Eye strain? It’s of a decent length, so let’s go with eye strain.

I don’t have a lot else to say about this, so maybe this is a good place to talk about the finger that was deep into my butt this week?

Now, let’s hold the phone. Before you read on, there are some intimate details ahoy. So don’t go any further unless you’re game. Don’t read on and then be upset at me. At this point, you’re culpable, participating in what’s going on here. Proceed past the ass-terisks below if you’re the curious sort.






Yeah, that happened. And I’m going to write about it. I’ve gained a few new followers on the ol’ Goodreads since I put up a review, so this is probably a good place to shake off the casuals.

It was a doctor appointment, so it was intentional. I think that’s the big thing with something headed down that path. You want it to be on purpose. Doctor appointment? Fine. Consensual intimate, loving, lubricated act? Great! Bicycle accident in a mannequin factory, the part where they make the hands? Eh, not so hot.

So, it was intentional. That’s a plus. You gotta look for the silver linings in these situations.

Although, I’m not a person who has a phobia when it comes to checking the oil back there. I don’t cringe at the very idea. I’ve done some self-administered suppositories backstage, so it’s not a brand new thing for me, and I don’t fully understand the huge aversion to it. I mean, it’s far from my personal recreational choice, and I can’t fault anyone for disinterest in going there in a romantic scenario, but a lot of folks really seem to be averse to it in a big, bad way. I’m here to tell you, especially if you’re a dude and you get to be that age, it’s really not all that bad. I’ve had worse.

I honestly thought quite a bit about whether it was worse to have a typical dental checkup or a rectal one. And the rectum comes out on top. Bottom comes out on top! Because it’s quicker. Much quicker.

It’s unpleasant, it’s a bit awkward, but it’s quicker. And it’s not like the doctor asks those questions like, “Have you been flossing?” mostly to shame you because they know damn well whether you’ve been flossing. And there’s something to be said for facing away. I feel like, if they checked from the front, I’d be having this weird thing going on where I was trying to read the doctor’s facial reaction. “Is it bad? Normal? What does this doctor’s face normally look like? Why isn’t there something else to look at in this room?” Although, come to think of it, I’ve had some hernia checks, and that wasn’t so bad either. I wouldn’t say I loved it. Also, awkward that they called another nurse into the room. I get it, nobody wants to get sued. But it’s also like, “In order to make sure nothing sexual happens, we need to not only fondle and prod you a bit, we need to have someone else watch.” Somehow, in the medical world, adding a viewer REDUCES the sexiness instead of ratcheting it up. Takes all kinds, I guess. Weirdos.

I’ve been told I have very good home dental care, and that was alright, but I was ALSO told that I have “great sphincter muscle definition.”

I’ll definitely be hanging my hat on that for the next couple years, until I have some other life accomplishment that’s better. Which could be quite awhile, so watch out.

It’s also my new go-to oneupping thing. Y’know, when someone says, “As a parent, blah blah blah” my new thing is “As someone with good sphincter muscle definition, blah blah blah.” Which I hope will result in “What does that have to do with anything?” and then I’ll say “Exactly.”

And now, all that remains is whether to check the box that says “Hide entire review because of spoilers.” I guess there are absolutely no spoilers for the book. But appetite spoilers? Spoilers of the barrier we had between each other of common decency? Totally spoiled.

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