Ghostbusters 2016

1995: A Brady Bunch movie. Huh. I guess I would care about that if I cared about the Brady Bunch. [crickets]

1997: When Leslie Nielsen can’t get a 13 year-old Pete to watch a movie, you’ve failed, Mr. Magoo. [crickets]

1998: Lost In Space remake? While it wasn’t a horrible mistake to see that one, hard to ignore there were 4 other screens at the theater playing movies that were not Lost In Space. [crickets]

1998: You mean they’re making an AVENGERS movie? Oh, it’s that? Oh, it’s…oh. [crickets]

1999: Inspector Gadget. You know, [funny joke about how Penny did all the work, which I think is a hilarious observation but is really the whole point of the show. See also: Shaggy from Scooby-Doo was high]. [crickets]

1999: I’ve never heard of the source material for this Wild Wild West, but there’s Will Smith, gizmos, a giant mechanical spider. There seems like almost no chance this could go wrong and that the theme song would be more popular by far. [crickets]

1999: Did you know how to make a VERY 90’s trailer in 1999, Mod Squad? God, yes. Yes you did. Stabbing Westward? Get the fuck out of here! [crickets]

2000: It’s about time they made a Charlie’s Angels movie. For me to go ahead and not watch. Maybe call me when shit gets real, when they’re I don’t know, Full Throttle or something. [crickets]

2000: As a lover of the cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle, even I was totally unsure why this movie was made. Also, keep in mind this was at a time when DeNiro doing something like this would still be met with thoughts that he’s a legit actor. [crickets]

2002: A Carrie remake? I mean, who’s calling for that? I guess this could be someone else’s introduction to Carrie…[crickets]

2002: Matthew Lillard did a yeoman’s job of being Shaggy in the Scooby-Doo movie, and Linda Cardellini as Velma sure didn’t do anything to squash that crush. But, nonetheless, pretty forgettable. [crickets]

2003: Re-doing Texas Chainsaw? I guess, but like…why? Because of Jessica Biel’s abdomen? [crickets]

2003: I know I told you to call me when Charlie’s Angels went Full Throttle. But honestly, I only said that because I figured it would never happen in a million billion lifetimes. [crickets]

2005: Dukes of Hazzard? I didn’t care about that originally. Jessica Simpson’s butt doesn’t hurt. But I suspect this is precisely what this internet thing is going to be alllll about in a few years. [crickets]

2005: A Bewitched movie all these years later? I mean, fine, but I wish it was taking a horror angle. BlairBewitched or something. [crickets]

2005: Assault On Precinct 13? I’m a huge Carpenter fan, so I tend to skip remakes of his stuff. I just don’t need them. [crickets]

2006: Oh, Miami Vice. I would like to say I took no pleasure in walking out on you. But when a couple took a boat to Cuba for mojitos during what I thought would be an action movie, that was where I hit the wall. [crickets]

2007: Halloween? C’mon. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Rob Zombie. Why take something that holds up so nicely and remake it? The movie is good, you’re a creative dude. I just don’t get it. [crickets]

2007: Live action Alvin and the Chipmunks? Kinda looks like it’s for little kids. [crickets]

2007: If only we knew this Transformers was sort of the beginning and the end. We lived in truly historic times. [crickets]

2008: Did I walk out of Get Smart because it wasn’t over but I felt like I’d seen all of it I needed? Totally without anger or disgust, just because about 3/4 of the movie satiated me? Yes. Yes I did. [crickets]

2009: Land of the Lost? Sounds stupid. [crickets]

2010: So they’re doing Nightmare on Elm Street but starting over again? I think my least favorite part of Freddy movies is waiting for the Freddy movie shit to start. I don’t think I’ll be seeing that one. [crickets]

2010: If there’s one things kids can relate to today, it’s a hat-and-tie-wearing talking bear who steals food from people. [crickets]

2010: A-Team? Honestly, if it was just that sweet opening from the show remastered, that’s all I need. [crickets]

2010: The Last Airbender. Let’s hope the “last” part of that title is accurate to the movie as well. [crickets]

2010: A new version of Tron? I guess the effects will probably be better, but that’s not really enough to interest me in more Tron. [crickets]

2010: The reboot of Karate Kid is two fucking hours and twenty fucking minutes? That can’t possibly be a good thing. [crickets]

2011: A second round of X-Men movies? Eh. [crickets]

2011: A new Footloose? Well…I feel like it might lack some of the original’s charm, which is what it rides on for me. [crickets]

2012: 21 Jump Street, eh? It looks like it went over pretty well. But I’ve just never gotten around to it somehow. [crickets]

2012: A second round of Spider-Man movies? Unless they come out spectacularly (WINK!), I’ll probably skip ’em. [crickets]

2012: Red Dawn remake? That’s profoundly stupid, right? Like it didn’t even make sense then, and now it’s just asinine? [crickets]

2012: I’m probably gonna skip that Total Recall remake. I mean, what’s left to say about a guy punching his way through Mars? [crickets]

2013: They’re remaking Evil Dead? I mean, I wish them the best, but that seems like a bad idea. [crickets]

2014: Robocop remake? Pass. Some movies they don’t get right the first time, but that one they did. Then they got it half right a second time, and then they…well, a third one exists. [crickets]

2014: 22 Jump Street? I’m confused whether this qualifies as a remake or a reboot or not. Not super interested, to be honest. [crickets]

2014: They finally made a Veronica Mars movie? I…quit watching the show because I got really bored. Sorry? [crickets]

2015: A Vacation reboot or sequel or whatever it is? Okay. I mean, no real interest on my part, but whatever. [crickets]

2016: New Ghostbusters? I dunno. I’ll probably skip it. I had a good time with Ghostbusters as a kid, but I feel like that already stayed an entire movie beyond its welcome. I just don’t have any real opinion on its existence.

OH MY GOD YOU’RE A TOTAL MISOGYNIST! WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS IS RUINING YOUR CHILDHOOD!? Look, you’ve got two choices. You can be on the right side of history by watching a movie that you have no real interest in, or you can go down as a jerk idiot asshole because you didn’t see it. This is about WAY more than a movie and whether or not it’s good. This is about #FEMINISM! It’s about equal pay for equal work. Do you have ANY IDEA how disrespectful it would be to not see this movie? Don’t you understand that seeing this film is the ultimate expression of your stance on issues of feminism? There’s NO OTHER WAY to care about these issues, nobody is going to listen to anything you have to say about feminism ever if you don’t see this movie, and you are SO disrespectful to the other people out there who might want a new Ghostbusters, who are starving for movies with a female cast. You, sir, are a monster.