I get texts from Amazon when a delivery attempt fails or succeeds. Amazon loves texting me. I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel like I could figure it out with minimal investigation, but then I also feel like that investigation makes it unsatisfying somehow. It just STARTED, so shouldn’t it just STOP at some point? It makes perfect sense to me. When it rains, the rain just starts, and then it just sort of stops. I don’t have to call Thor or something.
The worst texts are the ones that say, “Deliver Attempt Failed.” Because those are, universally, bullshit.
In fact, let’s explore this with pictures. I feel like it makes more sense that way.
Here’s me, sleeping:
Fuck you. It totally looks like that.
Alright, fine. I wouldn’t have a teddy bear. Also, why have a great window like that and lean some bullshit against it.
Okay, it’s more like this:
Haha, this is seriously a stock photo. Clearly made by someone who is unfamiliar with bums, booze, and most everything. But let’s go with it. As bad as it is, it’s probably close than the other guy, sadly.
So I’m sleeping under cardboard on a bench in the middle of the day, and I get a text:
Then I think about it. What does this attempt consist of? How hard or how much do you have to try before you say, “Eh, I tried”?
If Oprah taught me anything, envisioning something is effort in the right direction. Effort in the right direction is trying, of a sort.
So, I have to wonder, did the delivery guy just kind of imagine what it would be like to deliver the package and then call it good? Because I’d be tempted, in his shoes. And shorts.
And then I get an idea.
I imagine what it would be like to go to work. I think about it. I may even try to sit up. But alas, not all attempts to succeed. As a responsible employee, I text my boss:
And my boss is all like
But whatever, I attempted it. That’s all we can do. Try.