Cuddly Holocaust by Carlton Mellick III
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
In reading this book, I realized that there aren’t a lot of books with the word “holocaust” in the title that aren’t talking about THE holocaust.
I did a quick google before claiming that the word had broader meaning, and as always, the frequent search terms google brought up were interesting:
ice skating
jokes
movie
definition
IN THAT ORDER.
It turns out there was JUST an ice skating routine that had a Holocaust theme. And yes, I mean THE Holocaust.
“Navka and Burkovsky smiled and pantomimed shooting at each other in front of an imaginary child; Burkovsky exited to the sound of machine gun fire.”
The routine was for a show called Ice Age, which is like American Idol for ice skating. I guess the routine was based on the movie Life Is Beautiful. Although…seems like there’s riper material for ice skating routines.
What material? I’m glad you asked.
Option: The Running Man (film)
I just finished the book, but I remember fondly the encounter between the deadly gameshow contestants and SubZero, the ice hockey killer played by action movie heavy Professor Toru Tanaka. Not only does this have an easily-adapted theme, but I wouldn’t mind seeing a heavyset, mini-fridge of a skater out there on the ice for once.
Option: Ice Hockey
Yes, the worlds of fancy skating and toothless smiles collide! Because why not? It’d be so easy? And you’d get to practice with a lot of padding, which seems like a good idea.
Option: Jason On Ice
He’s already wearing a hockey mask. You have Jason chasing the other skater, who is a cabin enthusiast or whatever. He’s picking her up, throwing her around like ice dancers do. This thing writes itself.
Option: hICEt
This was supposed to look like “heist” and be a bank robbery thing. I mostly liked the name, but it sounds better than it looks. And it doesn’t even sound great. Just…never mind.