VARGR by Warren Ellis
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
VARGR is not some kind of code for VAGINA. It sort of looked like it to me. VARGR. VAGR. VAG. You get where I’m going with this. I won’t spoil what it is, not like it really matters anyway, but I WILL say it’s definitely not a vagina.
Which is too bad. I think it would be fun to see James Bond, the world’s most famous poonhound-turned-spy-sometimes, go on a mission SPECIFICALLY to bang a lady. Because seriously, that’s what seems to happen every time, and it doesn’t make a lick of sense. I’ve never been going to the supply closet at work and needed to perform oral on someone in order to complete the mission. I’ve never gone to the grocery store and found the eggs guarded by a busty lady using only a giant boa constrictor to cover her breasts. I guess these things ONLY happen to spys, and ALWAYS happen to James Bond.
I just don’t understand how every spy mission seems to involve a sexy lady. I would say…30% of the time, something I do involves a sexy lady. It should be noted that I’m excluding partners here and including “me time,” which accounts for about 29% of my time. The other 1% is when I watched the Steve Jobs movie and was inexplicably attracted to Kate Winslet, who I’ve never found attractive before, but something about a very 1980’s, rightfully pissed off Kate Winslet, now we’re talking.
As for the book, I liked the first third or so quite a bit because it seemed like nobody who worked with James Bond seemed to like him AT ALL. Which was pretty hilarious. Q pretty much calls him a lady of the night because of his choice of handgun. They really, really seem to dislike him, and not just in a cute way.
But then, you know, it turns into a James Bond story.
James Bond has never been a character I connected with beyond playing a lot of Goldeneye on N64. That was awesome, and it had almost nothing to do with the James Bond mythos. It was awesome because you could run around an old temple and shoot people with rocket launchers.
To be fair, I haven’t seen the last couple movies. I quit when we were watching, basically, Poker After Dark for like a half hour in Casino Royale. And I never went back.
Now, this is also due partially to the way I see movies in the theater, which is almost always on a Monday night, almost always a little drunk, and almost always involves seeing a movie I don’t actually care about seeing all that much. Does this mean that, perhaps, we were too loaded and didn’t really remember most of the second Star Trek reboot? Totally. Does this also mean that I was in the perfect frame of mind to enjoy The Escape Plan starring Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Also totally.
Somehow, these Bond movies have never coincided with one of these frequent trips. And also, they don’t seem like movies that are fun to see in that state.
Maybe I should explain more how this works:
1. Find a shopping center that has a bar/grill and a movie theater. This is almost impossible not to find in 2016, especially if you’re in a somewhat-suburban area.
2. Eat dinner at this bar/grill, and do the math on how many drinks you can have and then sober up before driving home after a movie that begins in an hour or two.
3. Have that number of drinks. I recommend going with hard liquor because, well, step 5.
4. Walk over to the movie theater and see a movie that you have almost no desire to see, but also no desire to NOT see. This is a fine line for many, but I can make a couple recommendations. If it’s likely to win an Oscar, skip it because you’ll be bored. If it’s a Pixar movie, skip it because you’ll weep. If it’s Pacific Rim, see that shit.
5. Buy a popcorn and a cola. This is the perfect time to enjoy a salty treat, and this is also why you tried to not fill up on beers, dum-dum.
6. Eat almost the entire popcorn before the movie even starts. Keep reaching in the bag though because you kind of forget.
7. Get up to pee at a good time. There’s this great web site called RunPee.com that tells you good times to pee during a movie, and while you pee it gives you a little synopsis of what’s happening. This is vital if you’re going to be a little tipsy.
8. Sober up as the movie is ending. This can actually work out okay because you feel that sense of deflation is maybe just due to the narrative arc coming to an end.
9. Stand up at the end of the movie. Watch MANY pieces of popcorn fall off of you and onto the floor.
10. Go home.
You did it! You’ve done a classic Pete day at the movies.